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Over the last 4 years I’ve collected data on the discs I’ve found, broken it down into chunks and trends I thought were interesting, and shared it with the community. Previous year’s posts can be found 2019 Post and 2020 Post.
This post deals with averages for the entire data set collected over the years. There are some comparisons from the previous years’ averages just for giggles here and there but if you’re looking for trends by comparing old posts you’ll need to remember that all of the data keeps getting rolled over into a larger and larger aggregate. I do plan on breaking finds down by year as well as location in future posts. Lots of neat data so may as well play with it, right?
I’ve explained my data collection a bit more near the end of this post. If you notice some math and number discrepancies, it’s likely due to rounding or an incomplete data set. Or maybe it’s just me.
As is tradition, I’d like you to ask yourself some questions about found discs. Take a guess, maybe ask your buddies what they think, and see how close you get to the actual data. Put a couple of bucks on it if that’s your thing. I’ll give you a little location context so you know what you’re working with.
 
Where were these discs found?
Basket - 2
Brush - 9
Fairway - 43
Marsh/Mud - 17
Woods - 91
On Ice - 7
Roof - 2
Water - 429
SCUBA - 323
 
Summarized into some cleaner percentages:
Water - 81%
Land - 19%
 
I’ll talk about some thoughts on the locations a bit later. I split Water and SCUBA in the table even though there’s some overlap. If a disc was listed as found in the water, it was recovered either using a retriever or wading. SCUBA is self explanatory. While there are no doubt some SCUBA discs that were found close enough to shore for wading, these were generally deeper and more inaccessible for somebody out just playing.
 
Here are your questions.
1. How many discs were marked with a name and number?
2. What’s my disc return rate?
3. What brand/manufacturer was lost most frequently?
4. What speed of disc was lost most frequently?
5. What color of disc was lost most frequently?
6. What type of plastic was lost most frequently?
7. What molds were most commonly lost?
 
I don’t recommend scrolling down much more prior to taking your guesses.
 
1. How many discs were marked with a name and number?
This, along with return rate, was actually one of the pieces of information I wanted to know about when I first started thinking about the discs we were finding. It’s certainly a populacontroversial topic on discgolf.
 
Discs marked with number: 47%
Unmarked discs: 51%
Marked, but no number: 2%
 
So basically half of the discs I find are uninked. That number has fluctuated a bit over the years by a % or two but has really been consistent. The marked but no number discs usually have a PDGA #, but sometimes it’s just a name. In retrospect, I wish I kept track of how many times a bad number was present on the disc but oh well, that ship has sailed.
 
2. What is my disc return rate?
 
Total Return Rate (All Discs): 30%
Total Return Rate (Marked Discs Only): 65%
Total Return Rate (Unmarked Discs): 9%
 
We text the numbers on the discs we find. Ideally we get it done immediately when we find it as it makes meet-ups easier, but sometimes they’re too dirty and need a good scrubbing before we can read the number. If the text doesn’t work, they get a call. We also scan the local league page, which has a running lost disc thread, and see if we recognize anything. From there we either meet up at a course, arrange a drop-off location like under a trash can, or give it to a league person that can run the disc to its owner. We increased our efforts quite a bit to run “iffy” discs back this year. Last year we only bothered with numbered discs. This year we tried to run back pretty much everything. There’s a story behind it but figured I wouldn’t clutter up a data post too much.
There’s actually a lot to unpack with these numbers. For example, 65% of marked discs are returned. Seems kind of low, right? But many of those owners tell us to keep the disc. My numbers on this data isn’t great as I only kept track of it this last year, but I have records of being told to keep a found disc 49 times - that’s 12% of marked discs. If we consider those discs “returned”, our rate goes up to 77%. Those numbers are low - I’m guessing if I had kept better records of “keep its” it would bring us closer to 80% but that’s speculation.
Additionally, my buddy has a duffle bag of marked discs waiting to be returned sitting in his car. There’s 35 of them in there that have had positive contacts and are pending being returned. That’s another 9% if they ever get around to trying to get their stuff back (I know, it’s COVID, we’re trying to be understanding - most of these discs have been in there for months though). Anyway, moral of the story? 86% of marked discs are “accounted” for per their owners wishes and a good chunk of the 14% that’s left just had bad numbers. Others never get back to us and a few drop off the face of the earth after replying once or twice. A couple of times the owner had passed. It’s an unusual feeling when you find one of their discs.
That still leaves us with a lot of unmarked discs. This year we got a small chunk (9% of all unmarked discs, 4% of total discs found) of them returned. Part of it was coordination with the local league. Part of it was just conversation with other players on the course. My buddy is a talker and likes meeting people. One of the first things he asks is if they’ve played a given course before and if they’ve lost anything. Surprisingly, we’ve returned quite a few discs from these conversations.
What do we do with all the unreturned discs? After a few weeks I suppose we take ownership of them and do what we want. Usually we end up giving them away. We adore giving families and groups that are just starting piles of discs. One of the new things we picked up doing this year is making people whole when they’ve lost a disc. Sometimes we haven’t found the specific disc somebody lost but have an identical(ish) unmarked, unwanted, or unclaimed mold that we found that we can give them as a replacement. Sometimes we’ll sell a batch off if we’re getting ridiculous on storage. Helps pay for gear and gas and keeps the clutter down. It’s pretty rare we need to do that though - we’d rather give them to new players but that becomes a tricky proposition with the high speed stuff. A few we’ll keep and bag ourselves, but it’s pretty rare beyond maybe just trying a new mold out for a round or three.
 
3. What brand/manufacturer was lost most frequently?
 
Innova - 46%
Discraft - 23%
Dynamic - 6%
MVP - 6%
Westside - 4%
Latitude 64 - 4%
Axiom - 3%
Prodigy - 2%
DGA - 2%
Discmania - 1%
Streamline <1%
Gateway <1%
Legacy <1%
Vibram <1%
Unknown <1%
Millenium <1%
ESP <1%
Essential <1%
Lightning <1%
Plastic Addicts <1%
Wham-O <1%
Yikun <1%
 
Innova holds a commanding lead with Discraft being the only other significant contender. Merging companies like Trilogy and the MVP/Axiom/Streamline narrows things a bit, but not much. Last year I chunked the companies together based on who was manufacturing what, but with Discmania shopping around their sourcing I’m no longer certain who’s making what nowadays.
 
4. What speed of disc was lost most frequently?
 
2 - 3%
3 - 3%
4 - 4%
5 - 9%
6 - 5%
7 - 5%
8 - 3%
9 - 13%
10 - 7%
11 - 7%
12 - 15%
13 - 20%
14 - 5%
15 <1%
 
Data was taken from Infinitediscs’s flight information for each disc. I know there’s occasionally discrepancies between them and the manufacturers but I figured it would be best to pull information from one source.
 
Top 5 lost speeds:
Speed 13 - 20%
Speed 12 - 15%
Speed 9 - 13 %
Speed 5 - 9%
Speed 10 and Speed 11 - 7%
 
Loss % By Type:
High Speed Drivers (11-14) – 47%
Fairway/Control Drivers (7-10) – 28%
Mids (4-6) – 18%
Putters (1-3) – 6%
 
As is tradition, the high speed drivers dominate the lost disc category. I’m looking forward to breaking the land and water data apart as nearly all of the water holes I find discs on are under 300’ from tee to basket but hey, people are going to throw what they’re going to throw. It’s also a bit of a nuisance that putters and mids are the least frequently lost but the most useful disc to give to new players. If y’all could start trying to emulate Lizotte with some unmarked putters on water hazards I’d appreciate it. If he can clear nearly 500’ of water, surely you can manage 250’, right? Go for it... cough
 
5. What color of disc was lost most frequently?
 
Blue - 18%
Red - 14%
Yellow - 13%
Orange - 12%
Pink - 11%
White - 10%
Black - 9%
Green - 8%
Tye Dye - 4%
Purple - 3%
Gray - 2%
Violet - 2%
Brown, Clear, Copper, Gold, and Peach each represented less than 1% of found discs.
 
From year to year, the color averages seem to change the most with the exception of blue being on top. One thing I noticed, however, is that I lump all blue discs together regardless of shade while most of the other colors have a “lighter” and “darker” version so that is likely bloating its numbers a bit. I’m not certain why I recorded them that way. Lord knows I got creative with plenty of other shades. For the purpose of simplicity, all discs marked “burgundy, wine, chartreuse, seafoam, turquoise” or any other oddball description got shoved into an arbitrarily “close enough” color category. Apparently some days I must feel poetic while recording these things.
 
6. What type of plastic was lost most frequently?
 
Premium Grippy "Star, ESP, Neutron, etc" - 40%
Premium Translucent "Champ, Opto, Z, etc" - 34%
Base - 14%
Pro - 5%
Flexible - 4%
Glow - 2%
Light - 2%
 
I lumped all the different plastic brands into “close enough” varieties. Flexy, glow, and lightweight discs all got dumped together regardless of what plastic variety they were built into.
I’m guessing a lot of folks thought base plastic would be the most common, but turns out it’s fairly rare in comparison to the premium plastics. I wonder if a lot of it gets retired into peoples’ garages and basements when they decide they like the game and upgrade. Those starter kits have to end up somewhere….
 
7. What molds were most commonly lost?
As is tradition, I’ll be listing these according to the total number found instead of %. Unfortunately there wasn’t a clean “break” point so I’ll just arbitrarily pick...double digits I guess.
 
Destroyer - 63
Boss - 26
Katana - 25
Valkyrie - 23
Beast - 20
Wraith - 20
Shryke - 19
Nuke SS - 18
Buzzz - 17
Nuke - 17
Teebird - 16
Firebird - 15
Sidewinder - 15
Leopard - 13
Tern - 13
Vulcan - 13
Sheriff - 12
Avenger SS - 11
Thrasher - 10
Crank - 10
Colossus - 10
 
Ah, Destroyers - I knew you were the disc we were finding the most of, and every year you prove me right by preposterous ratios. Actually, I’m a bit surprised to see so many Innovas firmly entrenched in the top 10. The list has definitely shifted through the years. Heck, the first year Drones (of all discs) made the top 5. I don’t think I’ve found one since….
Anecdotally, the Kong/Zeus/McBeth Driver just barely missed the list - it’s definitely trying hard to catch up. I have a sneaking suspicion it may actually have made the double digit list but I think two “Prototypes” got marked as Hades due to what the owners indicated they thought they were, but I’m not so sure they weren’t Zeuses. Eh, who knows - we’ll see it on the list next year I’m betting.
For the morbidly curious - there were 118 “Unicorn” discs, of which only one example of that given mold was found. Definitely not bitter about having to look up the flight numbers for every single stinking one of them….
A grand total of 271 different molds were found. 4 discs I was unable to identify - two oddball Innovas that had no markings and I just couldn’t figure out and 2 generic ones that probably came out of a Costco “Frolf” set or something.
 
And some stats for funsies….
Total discs I’ve found courses on: 23 out of 43 played - or 53% of courses played I’ve found a disc on.
Disc finding rate: 606 discs found over 503 rounds played = 1.2 discs a round
Note: I’ve removed the SCUBA discs from this but there were instances we went out just to wade instead of playing a course so this number is inflated a bit. We do find a lot of discs while playing - 2 or 3 isn’t all that weird. More if we have to go into the water to get one we lose ourselves. Also, this is not accounting for rounds played prior to U-Disc, but I wasn’t finding them at nearly the rate I do now. It’s accurate enough for a hipfire statistic. Most discs found in one day: 73 - SCUBA diving, two tanks of air
 
Average Discs Found on 1 Tank of Air - 25
 
u/mechanickzilla made a comment in a recent thread about lugging out a bunch of gear to a pond and searching for hours for 30 discs. It amused me because it sounded right. Turns out to be a pretty darn close estimate! A tank of air lasts roughly an hour. If I average out all SCUBA time it works out to be 25 discs per tank/hour in the water. I did refine my technique from early days and upped my efficiency quite a bit this year - turns out if I bring a salvage bag and don’t rise to toss discs to shore every time my hands were full I get a LOT more search time out of a tank and my average rises to 32 discs per tank, or about a disc every 2 minutes. There is some prep and cleanup time involved so I suppose strictly speaking the rate is lower if I want to account for the entire process instead of just time in the water.
 
Where discs are being found - 34% on one course, 48% on another, so 82% of discs were found on only two courses.
 
Most discs returned to one person - I’ve honestly lost count. I know he’s up to 12 or 15 and that’s a conservative estimate.
 
Most frequently found disc - A blue teebird we’ve returned 4 times. Haven’t seen the previous champion blue Rogue for quite some time. I’ll have to ask the owner what happened to it.
 
Find anything else interesting?
A half dozen vape pens, a jar of marijuana, 8 golf clubs, hundreds of golf balls, 4 golden retrievers (the disc retriever, not the dog), 3 sunglasses, a couple of cell phones, 3 unopened beers, a couple of rakes, untold millions of towels, a bluetooth speaker, 3 sets of car keys, 1 pair of kid-sized glasses, 5 bicycles, and a rifle case.
 
About Location
Location turned out to be a bit trickier to classify than I thought and I’ve changed and reclassified things several times now. For a while it was just woods and water, but that really didn’t do a good job of describing finding something on shore or in a basket. Here’s what I ended up with:
Brush - anything not mowed without trees. Includes briars, bushes, and long grass. You’ll notice there are not a lot of these - that’s because I HATE walking through these areas and avoid them. A lot of the ones we found in this condition were there because we were looking for one of our own or we were cleaning up the course and happened to stumble across one while brushwhacking or something. Seriously, long grass is the WORST to look through. I feel for those of you that fight with it and really, really appreciate the courses that cut search paths through it.
Marsh - the swampy, mucky crap that disc golf courses love to get built on because what else are you going to do with the land? Not quite enough to be able to submerge your disc, but plenty soggy enough that you’ll ruin a pair of shoes trying to walk through it. A lot of shore finds were reclassified to this.
Fairway - anything mowed. I’m always surprised at how many discs we find on the fairway. I suspect some of them are blown down from being stuck in trees. Others are no doubt forgotten. A few are probably bad throws that rolled to someplace ridiculous. A lot of times we get these back to groups actively on the course, but a surprising amount of times we don’t.
I think the rest are pretty self-explanatory.
 
Why? Just...why?
Nearly 1000 entries is a lot to monkey with (believe me, I entered every damned one of them - many of them two or three times as I revised and improved my organization). The data collection started more or less by accident. My buddy and I were playing nearly daily and we were stumbling across a steady stream of discs. We speculated about what disc we were finding the most of (there were three or four reasonable contenders) but really didn’t have firm answers, just hazy recollections and some finger counting.
In an attempt to answer our whimsically discussed question, I dug through my storage bin and counted. That left me with some numbers, but not the whole picture. I realized that there were quite a few discs that we’d returned, given away, or sold over the year prior. Fortunately, I had been in the habit of texting numbers to try and return discs and we both tended to take pictures if we found something on the course to show our friends. I had also started a disc golf journal I was keeping on Google Calendar and, for whatever reason, had been noting when we found a disc on the course. Between that documentation and memory (there were less than a hundred or so discs at the time, so it was easy to remember where I had found a given disc) I was able to put together a fairly decent, but somewhat incomplete, starting point for data. Sometimes data was missing, like color or plastic, but it was something to work with.
I did what I could to keep the data “true” and no doubt neglected to account for some discs simply because I didn’t have documentation for them. I guarantee, for example, some discs were found on the course that were left by the group ahead of us and returned nearly immediately that did not get recorded. I also didn’t record discs lost and found from my own party. When in doubt, I left it out. It means some of my numbers are a bit different from one category to another as well. For example, I may have had documentation on the mold found, but not its color. As I collected the data and put them into an actual spreadsheet (Let me assure you, tracking data in Google Calendar is...not recommended) I realized there was certain data I wanted and began making a concentrated effort to keep track of it. There’s still mistakes and omissions, no doubt, but it should be pretty darn solid.
Is the data good for anything? Hard to say. It’s a significant data pool, but the questions that can be asked of it are not always clear. The reason we find so many Innova discs, for example, is probably not because they are more prone to being lost than other brands, but rather that they are more popular and more thrown, and thus more likely to be lost and found.
Color becomes more tricky - am I finding a lot of blue discs because they are more popular or are they easier to see and thus be found? Discs found with SCUBA are usually felt rather than seen, is there a difference between colors found on land and water?
Finding trends may also be possible. It’s possible to isolate discs found by park per year they were found (heck, down to the date if need be) so perhaps we can find changes from year to year in a given location. It’s something I plan to dig into and post about from time to time.
One area I could use some advice on is classifying discs by stability. The spreadsheet currently includes Speed, Turn, and Fade numbers along with quantity. For each mold of disc. I had planned on identifying discs on stable/neutral/understable but those definitions are not particularly clear. If anybody has thoughts on how this could be organized I’d love to hear them. Right now I’m looking at maybe displacement from 0 or something but I have a hard time calling a -2/2 disc like a Valk “Neutral”. I suppose I could break them down strictly by the listed fade/turn numbers. Shouldn’t be more than a dozen combinations.
Anyway, I suppose there is no “why” other than curiosity and a desire to contribute to the community. I think it’s interesting so I’m posting it. Not going to lie, I like seeing if it’s enough to earn a “Quality Post” tag as well. As bad as a kid with a sticker chart, I swear.
Feel free to ask questions - I do plan on breaking down data by year, location, and stability (once I figure out how to organize it) so there will likely be a few extra posts this year.

Entry for the Extreme Environments catagory.
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“Anything else I can get you?”
“No, no. This is great, thank you.”
The human started sipping his drink as ChashelVel nodded and made his way back to behind the bar. He immediately started to clean out the citrousy, alcoholic remnants of the drink he had just served from the blender that had created it, blinking his nictitating membranes in astonishment as he did so. Vel would never understand why anything would willingly drink something that was half ice.
Not that Vel was complaining about human patronage. His little bar had been hanging by a thread a few years ago, and now he was already planning his second expansion. And it was all due to these crazy humans.
Vel’s little establishment was certainly nothing to look at. It was a ramshackle old building, only held together with patchwork and prayer, as some of the visiting humans liked to say. The keshfiber floorboards and frame were old and weathered, their natural luster long since supplanted by dull grey. Vel had placed giant, leafy, potted plants inside wherever he could in a desperate bid to hide some of the most noticeable wear and tear. By blind luck, this had created an aesthetic that humans went wild over.
A crisp, refreshing breeze was blowing in from off the sea, carrying the briny scent of the water with it. The open air patio of Vel’s bar looked out over the short span of beach leading up to the water, and sapphire blue waves were lapping at the white sand not 50 meters away. The moons were to thank for that, as all three of them were directly overhead, and the tides were at their peak as a result.
Vel flicked his eyes over to his thermometer. 37.5 degrees; it was nice and cool for him. He had initially set up his bar here so that members of his own species could have a place to relax if they had been overworked and wanted to drop a climate zone and cool down for a few days. Vel had never dreamed that anyone other than a fellow Vendrrin would be a patron here. There wasn’t a species in the entire Federation that could handle the heat his species thrived in, and even at a Vendrrin’s coolest acceptable temperature ranges, most xenos would be incredibly uncomfortable.
To anyone from another species, Vel’s little pile of sand was just the mostly inhospitable northern edge of the extremely inhospitable habitable climate band on a farming world meant for the sapient species with the highest known temperature requirements. But not humans. They saw this hunk of beach as a tropical paradise, and they were out here playing in these temperatures. It was utterly bizarre, but it had been a boon to Vel and he was determined to enjoy every second of it.
“Hey boss, when can I get out of here for the day?”
“I don’t know, KlevinkthTial, is your work for the day finished?” Vel tried as hard as he could to keep his frustration and disappointment from seeping into his voice, but it became more and more difficult with each syllable he uttered to his newest employee.
“Well, yeah, mostly. The new filter system is all set up, I just have to attach it to the pump. I can finish up first thing tomorrow.”
“If it will be so quick, why can’t you just do it now?”
“Come on, I’ve been at this all day. Some of the humans are supposed to be setting up a new game today. Botch-something. I wanted to check it out”
“How much water is left in the tanks to get us through until tomorrow if we don’t get the filters up and running now?” Vel knew the exact amount, but was curious about the answer he would get.
“Eh, a few gallons,” Tial said tentatively.
“This is a bar. 90 percent of our income is from serving drinks. We need water to be able to function. You understand that right? We won’t make it halfway through the evening. Now go hook the filters up to the pumps and make sure everything works. Then you can be done for the day.”
The young Vendrrin grudgingly headed back towards his task with a sigh. Vel blinked his membranes a few times in frustration as he watched Tial walk away. At least Tial had been honest about the water levels. Vel could work with that.
He spent the next few minutes tidying up his bar before contemplating the humans managed to distract him from his concerns about Tial’s work ethic. A group of humans was playing a game of volleyball on the beach against a group of Vendrrin. While the humans had a remarkable advantage in strength and raw speed due to their high-g origins, the Vendrrin’s advanced reflexes were allowing them to put up a surprisingly good showing.
Vel’s eyes flicked once again towards the thermometer on the wall, but this time gaze carried a little further and stopped on the picture he had pinned next to it. It was a photo one of Vel’s first human customers had given him of their pet leopard spotted gecko. And it was like Vel was looking into a mirror. True, the pet lizard was tiny, it wasn’t bipedal, and most of its body proportions were wrong, but everything else was straight out of the uncanny valley.
With the massive diversity of known life throughout the galaxy, convergent evolution had played similar tricks on several other sapient species, but Vel had never heard of a resemblance this close. All of Vel’s employees thought he was strange for keeping the picture pinned where he did, but he had never paid them any mind. He couldn’t explain why, but that gecko helped him keep his perspective on life whenever things were getting crazy.
Vel had to consciously pull himself back to his cleaning before he meandered too far into his own thoughts, and turned away from the gecko picture. He set about his tasks with a renewed vigor, and had just finished organizing the glassware when his favorite customer slid onto the barstool directly across from him.
Daniel Cross was a large man by human standards, barrel chested and with arms thicker than a Vendrrin torso. His massive frame was covered by a baggy pair of shorts and an incredibly loud shirt patterned with leafy trees, while his feet were covered only by open toed sandals. Dark sunglasses obscured his eyes, and the rest of his face was hidden behind the mop of sandy brown hair on his head and a bushy beard of the same color. He was half a head taller than Vel, and easily five times as wide. Vel didn’t even want to consider the disparity in actual mass between them, and his bar seemed to agree, groaning slightly as the burly human leaned across to greet his old friend.
“Well damn, Vel, when you told me you were expanding, I thought you’d at least make the place look a little nicer.”
“Hey, you dumb apes like the look of this place for some stupid reason. Who am I to disappoint my customers. It took a lot of time and effort to find enough keshfiber that was so weatherworn.”
“Smart man. Now, I’ve heard tales on the ride down that you have somehow learned how to make a proper margarita? If that’s true, I need two of them. The haul out here was an absolute bastard.”
“Lucy still giving you trouble?” Vel asked, as he started pouring ingredients into the blender.
“Trouble’s an understatement. She needs to have her whole damn drive core replaced. I don’t know if we got a faulty model or if it was just installed incorrectly, but I’ve got no clue how it managed to get us here. Spent a lot of sleepless nights just trying to keep Lucy from sneezing us out of sub-space. You know Bill, though. If I can fix it, he isn’t going to spend the money to replace it. Sometimes being gifted’s a curse, ya know?”
“Where is Bill?”
“Oh, he’s still in orbit wheeling and dealing. Doesn’t need the engineering crew to haggle, though, so he sent us down for R&R early. Probably knew we’d revolt if he didn’t.”
The blender pulsed, loudly interrupting their banter for a moment. When it stopped, Vel was quick to fill a pair of glasses with the slushie concoction and set them in front of Dan. The massive slab of mammal immediately grabbed one of the glasses and drained it in one long pull before slamming the glass down with a shudder.
Vel was about to ask Dan about the rest of his crewmates, but stopped before the words could form. The massive human had suddenly stiffened, his head had tilted to the side, and his face was clearly strained. Realizing something was obviously wrong, Vel started scrambling for a communicator to call for first aid. “Are you all right? What happened?” Vel asked, trying to figure out what had gone so suddenly awry.
“Ah, no. I’m fine. I’m fine. SHIT. Whoo, damn!” Dan shuddered violently one last time and then settled easily back into his previous, relaxed posture with his trademark grin on his face. “Brainfreeze, Vel. It was just a brainfreeze. I’m fine. Calm down, little buddy. Holy shit did that hit the spot, though. Damn good magarita, by the way. Whoever taught you to make these deserves a raise.”
Dan eagerly raised his second drink and started sipping. Vel stood staring at him slack jawed and with membranes blinking furiously, his hastily found and forgotten com-pad dangling precariously from his fingertips.
“Brain what?”
“Yeah. If too much frozen food hits the roof of our mouth, it starts pulling heat from our brains, and… You know what, don’t worry about the details. It’s just a thing that can happen. It kinda hurts, some people enjoy them. There’s no need to worry about it.”
Vel was sure of it now. Humans were all insane. Any creature that would drink ice and willingly subject themselves to what was obviously excruciating pain couldn’t be all there mentally. Vel’s eyes flicked over to his gecko picture, and he took a few deep, calming breaths. He reminded himself that the universe was more massive than he could possibly imagine, and he was just a small piece of it. The details didn’t matter, and there was no reason to stress. With a final series of slow blinks, Vel started cleaning up the mess he had made scrambling to call for aid.
The two old friends sat in silence for several minutes, the big human sipping his drink, the slender reptile fastidiously organizing his bar. A fresh breeze blew in from the sea, rustling the fronds of the potted plants and blowing some of Dan’s sandy hair out of his face.
“You know, Vel,” Dan finally said, breaking the silence. “You really should look into buying more property along the coast of this sea. Especially farther north. What’s the climate like on the North shore?”
“About 25 degrees,” Vel replied after giving it some thought.
“Year round?”
“Pretty much.”
“Yeahhh. You need to invest in as much of that as you can. Once word really starts getting out about this place back in the Commonwealth, you are going to be absolutely flooded with humans. 37.5 is a bit on the warm side for us, but 25? That’s perfect. Mark my words. Within a generation, this place is going to be a tourist Mecca.”
“That’s way too cold for Vendrrin to operate in easily.”
“So? Buy the beach, build the resort, then hire humans to run it.”
“But Colventheth is a farming colony.”
“For now. But with those moons? Hawaii aint gonna have shit on this place. Most of our colonies aren’t fully terraformed yet. Bet your ass there will be people lining up to spend a month each way on a freighter just to spend a week here.”
Vel blinked doubtfully. “I don’t know. It just sounds…”
A thunderous boom and an accompanying low, dull roar prevented Vel from finishing his sentence. What had sounded like an explosion had come from the rear of the building, and what sounded like rushing water was filling the auditory void the blast had left behind.
“The hell was that?” shouted Dan.
Before Vel could answer, KlevinkthTial rushed out of the kitchen area panting, his jumpsuit soaked completely through with water.
“What did you do?” Vel bellowed, grabbing Tial by his soggy jumpsuit.
“I don’t know. I hooked the filters up just like the instructions said, I was running the test protocols, and everything started overpressurizing. Before I could turn everything off, a line blew somewhere, and then the pump just exploded. Now the tide is just forcing water through the system, and I don’t know how to make it stop.”
Tial may have been a slacker, but he was no idiot. Vel looked him over in a flash, and he was clearly mortified. Consequences for Tial would have to come later, though.
“Where did the line blow? Was it in the building anywhere?”
“I don’t know, I didn’t have time to find it.”
Without waiting for another word, Vel sprinted into the back of his bar. He barely noticed Dan effortlessly vault the counter and follow him. Vel tore through the kitchen to the backmost corner of the building to find the utility space in ruins. The pump motor had exploded, everything in the vicinity had been soaked, and water was gushing out of the ruined apparatus onto the floor. It looked awful, but other than the pump, nothing major had been destroyed. A quick patch would prevent any more water getting in, and then it would be just a simple mop up. Unfortunate, but not a disaster. Vel grabbed one of Tial’s wrenches and started towards the destroyed pump.
“Hey boss! I found the blown line!”
Vel turned towards the sound of Tial’s voice, and his heart nearly stopped. Tial was standing behind the door to the walk in freezer, tentatively holding it open an inch and using the door to shield himself from the dangerously cold air that was rushing out. Water was streaming from the opened door, far more than was coming from the pump.
The water pipes running underneath the building had ruptured directly below the walk in deep-freezer. Fixing the blown line quickly would require going into the freezer, and the temperatures inside were well beyond lethal to Vendrrin. Knowing exactly what he would find, Vel turned back towards the utility corner where, across from the pump and filter station, the bar’s freezer suit was hanging. Seven layers of insulation thick, and woven through with powered heating filaments, the freezer suit was more robust than a spacer’s vac suit, and was the only thing that would allow a Vendrrin to survive the temperatures that long term food storage required.
And Vel’s was soaked clean through.
Vel was ruined. The only way to stop his bar from flooding was to get the pipes sealed off. And he couldn’t do that without taking a day to dry out his freezer gear, or turning off the freezer until it was safe enough to work in and losing all of his frozen product, costing him his entire inventory. Vel had spent years stocking his long-term supplies with delicacies from around the galaxy. His stock wasn’t large, but it was varied, and it was expensive. Even if he could recover from the loss financially, it might be years before he ever saw the opportunity to buy some of his more exotic items again.
“Eh, that doesn’t look too bad.”
Vel spun to find Dan pulling his head out of the opened freezer door. “What do you mean, ‘not that bad?’ This is a disaster!”
“Nah, it’s just a busted pipe,” Dan said, striding across the kitchen towards Tial’s pile of tools, his feet sloshing as he went. He stopped and picked up a tube of sealant, a patch, and a wrench before sloshing his way back towards the freezer. “I’ll have it fixed in a minute. You just work on that busted pump.”
The Vendrrin entrepreneur watched in a daze, not fully processing what was happening, as his favorite human walked up to the freezer door, wearing nothing but his baggy shorts, loose shirt, and sandals, and simply walked inside to his death.
Vel stared at the freezer door for a full thirty seconds before the full weight of what he had just witnessed hit him and he was able to recover his sensibilities. He was across the kitchen in a flash, pounding on the freezer door and screaming for Dan to come out, hoping against all odds it wasn’t too late. Vel even briefly opened the freezer door, determined to go after the crazed human and somehow drag him out, but just the lightest touch of the frozen air was too painful for the Vendrrin to bear.
He didn’t know what to do. There was nothing he could do. Vel had just watched his favorite xeno die, and it happened for absolutely no reason. If the pipe had just burst anywhere else…
“Tial, help me plug up the pump!” There was a frenzy underlying Vel’s tone as he called for his employee and rushed towards the pump. If he could stop the leak, maybe he could enact some quick repairs, or depressurize the system, maybe there would be a chance that Dan was still alive and would somehow come out of the freezer on his own.
The two Vendrrin reached the pump at the same time, Tial sharing his bosses urgency. The work was frantic, but they worked in perfect sync, and within minutes, the last drops of water had hit the kitchen floor. Vel then turned his attention to the pump controls, trying to find a way to reverse the flow of the system, but it was beyond hope. The entire motor was shot, and every electrical interface was completely soaked.
Vel slumped down against the wall, defeated. He looked up at the freezer suit hanging by his head. Maybe if he were to throw it in the oven to try and speed dry it…
No. There was nothing more to do. It had been at least five minutes since Dan had entered the freezer. Dan was dead. There was no denying that now. How was Vel supposed to tell Bill what had happened? That his sibling had just up and killed himself? Would anyone believe that? Was that something humans did?
The freezer door burst open in a swirling cloud of frozen fog as Dan’s hulking form stepped out and slammed the door behind him.
“Son of a BITCH, it’s cold in there!” he yelled, giving a quick violent shake for emphasis.
He stood in front of the freezer door panting, and every inch of exposed skin was flushed a bright red. His loose and very loud shirt sat rigidly on his body, every fiber soaked and frozen together to encase Dan’s torso in a stiff shell. Most striking, though, was Dan’s face. Every hair was coated in ice crystals, from his eyebrows and eyelashes to the tip of his beard. Even the sandy haired mop on top of his head had lost all flexibility, staying weirdly in place as Dan moved underneath it.
“Well, that was refreshing. Pipe’s all patched up. Everything good out here? Why are you guys staring at me like that?”
“You should be dead,” was all that Vel could choke out in response. He was still sitting on the floor where he had slumped, held in place by shock. Vel was thrilled that Dan was still alive, but was very, very confused as to how such a thing was possible.
“Dead? The hell are you talking about?”
“The cold. You went in without any protective coverings. It should have killed you.”
“I mean, I probably couldn’t have stayed in there for too much longer without getting some frostbite or something. It’s not that cold in there, is it? How low do you have the temp set?” Dan asked incredulously. The ice on his face was beginning to melt, and as he spoke drops of water started to trickle down his face and beard before dripping to the floor.
“-25 degrees.”
“Shit, I’m from the Midwest. That’s damn near golfing weather back home.”
Vel stared at the giant, frost covered monster that was his friend for a long minute, watching as chunks of ice sloughed off his face before finally organizing his emotions enough to stand. When he spoke, his voice was tired and oddly emotionless.
“Thank you, Dan. You really saved me just now. I could have lost everything if you hadn’t been here. Drinks are on the house. Tial, can you start mopping up? I’m going to go make some calls about new pump and filter systems. I’ll be back to help when I’m done.”
Without waiting for a reply from either of them, Vel made his way out to the bar and fished out his compad. As he was scrolling through contact numbers for various plumbers and contractors, his eyes flicked up once again to the picture of the leopard spotted gecko. This time, though, it wasn’t enough to help Vel center himself. It only left him with a nagging question in the back of his mind:
Why was everything involving humans so damn weird?

Eminem was born in 1972. Rakim-1968, LL Cool J-1968, JayZ- 1969, Ice Cube-1969, 2Pac- 1971, Big Pun-1971, Snoop Dogg-1971, Nas-1973, and five months after Notorious B.I.G. So these are his contemporaries but he had the luxury of being able to study rather than compete. Now folktales will lead you to believe that he was just being slept on because he was white. But when you look at Beastie Boys, Vanilla Ice, 3rd Bass, etc. such disparities are not present. And that is quite irregular for someone who we are led to believe to be the greatest of all time. That would be like Magic Johnson being drafted to the NBA in 1979 and Larry Bird not being drafted until 1986 even though they competed against each other in college. How is it that no one from his age group was aware of him when during that era, one of the quickest, easiest and best ways to get on is attack folks directly?
Now I’m not hating on Eminem because he’s white either. There’s a lot of white artists whom I enjoy to varying degrees: Paul Wall, Mac Miller, Your Old Droog, Derek Pope, Machine Gun Kelly, Evidence, El-P of Run The Jewels, etc. What I am saying is that the aesthetic which his lyricism was packaged in is what has ahd folksputting all kinds of extras on him. Reminds me of when folks where caping for Jeremy Lin “Linsanity”. Like yeah he was doing his thing, but it was WHO was doing it that had folks putting extras on it.
Stuff like his BET Cypher Donald Trump freestyle was cool as well as his song “White America”, but as the number one rapper in the world who happens to be white? This is what I consider low hanging fruit of liberals who try to simplify and reduce racism as isolated boogeymen that once exorcised, everything will be all good. But when has Eminem used his music and his platform to really speak to systemic racism white supremacy on a micro and macro level and be a champion of black empowerment while profiting off black culture? February 2003 The Source Magazine published “The Unbearable Whiteness of Emceeing: What the Eminence of Eminem Says About Race” which I found to be very insightful.
Eminem’s first project was in 1995 as a duo with Proof (rip). Same year as Only Built For Cuban Linx by Raekwon, The Infamous by Mobb Deep, Me Against The World by 2Pac, Soul Food by Goodie Mob, among others. Some of the most highly regarded albums and MCs ever and yet no one was checking for “the goat” Eminem?
Now in 1996 that is when Eminem put out his official solo project with Infinite. Same year as All Eyez On Me and Makaveli from 2Pac, Reasonable Doubt by JayZ, It Was Written from Nas, The Score by Fugees, ATLiens from OutKast, etc. Who was checking for Eminem??
We’re going to just skip all the fire that came out 1997–98 such as DMX, Redman, Big Pun, Juvenile, Method Man. But do your Googles and see what songs from those years you’d rather hear than anything Eminem put out from 1995–1999.
It is not until 1999 that we get the much heralded Slim Shady LP. This is after the “East Coast/West Coast” feud when everyone was going at whomever, whenever. Plenty of space and opportunity for Eminem to assert himself whether attacking someone or defending someone. I’m not saying that he might not have been able to hold his own. But the way people used to go at each other back then, they definitely would’ve been on his ass. You either had to rhyme and/or throw hands. However, after the dust cleared, he comes out during the peace and prosperity of the “shiny suit era”. But you tell me what songs from Slim Shady LP resonate with the culture and have had the lasting appeal as: Dr. Dre’s Chronic 2001, Pharoahe Monch’s Simon Says, Missy Elliot’s Da Real World, and JayZ’s Vol. 3? Better yet, this is the same year that B.G. put out “Bling, Bling” and Ja Rule’s “Holla Holla”. And the icing on the cake — Mobb Deep released “Quiet Storm”. Nuff said!
The year 2000 brought us The Marshall Mathers LP. Great album indeed. But ask yourself, what song has been in rotation in the last 20 years with the likes of: OutKast’s “So Fresh & So Clean”, Ghostface Killah’s “Cherchez La Ghost”, M.O.P.’s “Ante Up”, Prodigy’s “Keep It Thoro”, or even Three 6 Mafia’s “Sippin On Some Sizzurp”? And I just heard Ludacris’ “What’s Yo Fantasy” last week. And you can’t forget this is the year Nelly debuted. I’ll add Big Tymers’ “Everybody Get Your Roll On” to that list too.
2001 is when JayZ released The Blueprint. Eminem’s verse on “Renegade” is one of those watershed moments along with Nas saying on “Ether” how JayZ got bodied by him that really began to crystalize public opinion, but it is the same record which the same is said of rapper Beanie Sigel. And that is just as debatable. Eminem released his group D12 in 2001 with Devil’s Night. It debuted #1 and went 2x platinum, the same year as Put Yo Hood Up by Lil Jon & The East Side Boyz, but despite the disparity in sales, you tell me which album has the most songs that have rang off the most in the hood (no pun intended)? 2001 also brought us Pain Is Love from Ja Rule, Stillmatic from Nas, and Word of Mouf by Ludacris
The Eminem Show dropped in 2002. Another fine project. Was it as innovative as N.E.R.D’s In Search Of…?But are there any songs that had the staying power in the hip hop community like State Property’s “Roc The Mic” (which features Beanie Sigel), or “Say I Yi Yi” from Ying Yang Twins? And this was the same year as ’03 Bonnie & Clyde with JayZ & Beyonce and Lil Jon & The East Side Boyz sparking the dawn of the crunk era with Kings of Crunk. Also, we can’t leave out Nelly’s Nellyville and Nas’ God’s Son. So not only did Eminem not have the definitive sound of the year but he also did not have either of the two songs which defined 2002. I submit to you: Clipse “Grindin’” and Missy Elliott “Work It”. But Eminem is the goat??
Now let’s juxtapose what we’ve learned so far with 50 Cent who put out the mixtapes Guess Who’s Back and 50 Cent Is The Future also in 2002. Keep in mind 50 Cent, born in 1975, was discovered by Jam Master Jay (rip) in 1996, had a deal with Columbia Records in 1999, and released his first mixtape Power Of The Dollar in 2000 with the song How To Rob. So in 2000, 50 Cent was already buzzing on the street way more than Eminem was before he came out. And Eminem was two albums in. 2002 is when Eminem not discovered by rather “Columbused” 50 Cent after he lost his deal in 2001 due to infamously being shot nine times. Eminem re-introduces him on the mixtape drop No Mercy, No Fear and simultaneously 8 Mile soundtrack in 2002 with the song “Wanksta”. “Wanksta” produced more anticipation for his debut Get Rich Or Die Trying in 2003 than Eminem did leading up to his. But Eminem is supposed to be the goat? And he’s often ranked over 50 Cent.
Eminem is from Michigan. The hip hop scene from 1995–1999 was pretty localized unlike today where you can be whoever from wherever and find an audience on social media and SoundCloud. How is it that one of “the goats” managed to not have any buzz in the Midwest prior to his debut? Common and Twista were three albums in, and although they have had moderately successful careers, they haven’t reached any of the sales as Eminem. 1994 Common dropped the seminal classic “I Used To Love H.E.R.” And by his 3rd album he had features from Lauryn Hill, Black Thought, Cee-Lo, De La Soul, Q-Tip, and Eminem’s former arch-rival Canibus. And yet we are led to believe that nobody was checking for an eventual goat until 1999? People talk about his mythical rap battles. But who did he beat?? Eminem lost in 1997 at the Rap Olympics to a rapper named Otherwize and at the ’97 Scribble Jam to MC J.U.I.C.E. So not only are the only known records of his battle rap days are L’s but they are against virtual nobodies (no disrespect). You’ve heard stories about the back in the day with the Juice Crew/Boogie Down Productions ‘Bridge Wars’, JayZ vs. Busta Rhymes in the cafeteria, etc. And we are supposed to believe that a goat like Eminem NEVER crossed paths with anyone notable until he really, really got on? Hip hop has often paralleled the NBA and when have you ever heard of a goat that nobody hooped with in the park, high school, or even seen on the block?
So aside from 50 Cent and eventually G-Unit in 2003, there were other people who dropped indelible hits: Freeway, Fabolous, T.I., Youngbloodz, DMX, JayZ, Ludacris, OuKast. But how is it that 50 Cent with the same Dr. Dre/Interscope engine can make better records than Eminem and his group G-Unit is vastly superior to Eminem’s D-12? So Eminem is a goat but has one of the WEAKEST crews in terms of skills and relevance to the culture: 50 Cent and G-Unit, JayZ’s State Property/Roc-La-Familia, 2Pac’s Outlawz, Outkast’s Dungeon Family, Nas’ Bravehearts, Cam’ron’s The Diplomats, Master P.’s No Limit, Birdman’s Big Tymers/Hot Boys, Ludacris’ DTP, you can just go on and on. You’re a goat but ain’t produce not one hit record except for “Purple Pills” and that ain’t even a banger?! Not one person from Eminem’s crew has had a hit record either. Yet when you look at all of the aforementioned, you can name one if not several from each who had respectable outings. Obie Trice wasn’t a superstar. Furthermore, when checking out Slaughterhouse, Royce da 5'9", Joe Budden, etc. were already doing their thing. And he was unable to take their careers to the next level despite his star power. Because as a implied from the beginning, his elevation is completely overstated. Rappers such as those in Slaughterhouse and Griselda gang are of a similar skill set and rhyme style but don’t get nearly the mainstream attention that Eminem has received.
Then 2004 rolls in and Eminem releases Encore. Now aside from the solo debuts from Young Buck and Lloyd Banks from G-Unit, this was the same year that Kanye West released The College Dropout. Nuff said!
In 2004, Eminem released another D12 group project with D12 World. Another 2x platinum album, which peaked #1. It even had higher first-week sales than Kanye if that makes any sense. However, what songs from that album can you name have been more popular than The Diplomats’ Diplomatic Immunity 2 and Lil Jon and The East Side Boyz’ Crunk Juice?
2005 is Eminem’s greatest hits album Curtain Call. Explain to me how it is 7x platinum yet Kanye West’s Late Registration is only 3x platinum. By this time Eminem was only 4 albums in. Are we supposed to believe that from 1999–2005 he had 4 projects better than 4 JayZ projects during that time?
Kanye West pretty much OWNED hip hop until Eminem returned in 2009 with Relapse. That 5 year run was way more impactful than any Eminem stretch from music releases to production to fashion. Also during this time you have the introduction of rappers like The Game (another G-Unit soldier), Rick Ross, Jeezy, and Gucci Mane. T.I. was becoming a staple. Lil Wayne was cementing his legacy. Lupe Fiasco, another rapper, highly touted for his lyricism, was doing his thing. 2009 was also the year “Swag Surfin’” came out. Nuff said!
Eminem puts out Recovery in 2010. Same year as Kanye West’s My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy and Drake’s Thank Me Later. Both albums which have had way more staying power than Eminem. “All I Do Is Win” by DJ Khaled came out that year too. 2010 also saw the rise of Waka Flocka Flame with “O Let’s Do It” and “Hard In The Paint”. Eminem has yet to create such anthems for the culture but is supposed to be a goat??
So in 2011, Eminem drops the album Hell: The Sequel with Royce Da 5'9" as the duo Bad Meets Evil. Now the single “Lighters” from that album along with “I Need A Doctor” a song he did with Dr. Dre and Skylar Grey, both peaked at #4 on Billboard. “I Need A Doctor” is Dr. Dre’s second highest peaking song on the chart ever. Now who do you know that if you asked them to name their top 5 favorite Dr. Dre songs and that song is on their list? When was the last time your heard Lighters? These songs peaked higher than But 2011 is the year Tyler The Creator and Big Sean dropped their debut studio albums. Section 80 by Kendrick Lamar also came out in 2011. But one duo was the pulse of 2011, JayZ and Kanye West with Watch The Throne.
2012 is the year Kendrick Lamar officially arrived with Good Kid, M.A.A.D City. There really isn’t anything more that needs to be said after that. But you also have Pink Friday: Roman Reloaded from Nicki Minaj and 2 Chainz debuting as a solo act. Eminem didn’t come back on the scene until 2013 with Marshall Mathers LP 2. It had higher first-week sales than Nothing Was The Same by Drake, Magna Carta Holy Grail by JayZ, Yeezus from Kanye West, AND Born Sinner from J. Cole. How Sway?! It makes about as much sense as Macklemore winning Best Rap Album and Best New Artist and being nominated for Album of the Year in 2012 with The Heist. “Thrift Shop” was the equivalent of My Name Is… or The Real Slim Shady, a cool little bop but not hardly a hip hop classic in the least.
2013–2017 was Eminem’s longest hiatus not returning until the end of the year with Revival. And yet he was being nominated and oftentimes winning awards and accolades from the dominant society while his contemporaries were putting out quality product. Revival was the first album that you could argue was panned by critics although it still went gold and debuted at #1 on Billboard. DAMN from Kendrick Lamar and JayZ’s 4:44 were the talk of 2017.
2018 brings us to Eminem’s Kamikaze. Another album which debuted #1 and went platinum. It had more first-week sales than Invasion Of Privacy by Cardi B., KOD from J. Cole, and Culture II from Migos, but who has had more of an impact on the culture? In 2018 were more people talking about Eminem or Pusha T with Daytona?
Eminem was like a rap Weird Al Yankovic when he came on the scene who used crazy videos and shocking antics to propel his career. After the initial press run of his projects, real hip hop heads drop off really quickly and move on to that real shit. Jimmy Iovine and Interscope Records knew that with his talent, the street cred and music production of Dr. Dre, a great package could be sold to the masses. That otherwise would just be another “spherical-lyrical-miracle rappity rap” rapper. Where are the Eminem fans who champion other backpack, lyricist lounge rappers in the same regard?
The film 8 Mile has been romanticized into people thinking it was an autobiography. However, it was presented as “based on a true story” or as to say fictionalized for dramatic effect. One of the main purposes for doing so is that it allows Hollywood to embellish events and have “creative license”. Consequently, then people put all kinds of extras on Eminem’s rap battle career like he’s Rocky Balboa.
Eminem is supposed to be goat but when you look at his career he never went up against anyone except for women and pop stars. People put all these extras on Eminem but who has he defeated to be warrant such fear?
No one has been afraid of anyone ever in the history of rap but all of a sudden Eminem is above reproach? Nelly wasn’t afraid to respond to KRS-One. Common and Ice Cube went at it and Common had no problem going at Drake either. But Eminem’s resume of targets are: NSYNC, Backstreet Boys, Insane Clown Posse, Britney Spears, Moby, Christina Aguilera, and Michael Jackson. Jermaine Dupri isn’t a rapper. Benzino respected in the hood but not top-tier. Is he even top 5 out of Boston? Are we giving him the crown because he went at Fred Durst of rap/rock group Limp Bizkit? Machine Gun Kelly is not a top-tier rapper either and he BARELY won. I would argue that he had the better bars but MGK had the better song, beat, and rollout. Even in the beef with Ja Rule, 50 Cent did most of the heavy lifting and dropped the finishing blow. Eminem stayed away from damn near all of 50 Cent’s beefs with real heavyweights like Lil Wayne and The Lox yet 50 is always putting on the cape for Eminem at slightest sign of trouble. Much respect to Lord Jamar but some would say that he Grand Puba was the best rapper in his group not him? However, on one of their top hits “Punks Jump Up To Get Beat Down”, Grand Puba isn’t on it. Name one D-12 hit without Eminem. Notwithstanding the fact that Brand Nubian and Dead Prez are much more highly regarded in the pantheon of hip hop than D-12 has ever been. Canibus was probably the only lyrical challenge but he proved to be a choke artist and already took a L from LL Cool J. People are taking his side during the Nick Cannon beef but the facts are this began with Eminem again going after a popstar in Mariah Carey. Nick is supposed to defend the honor of his (ex)wife and the mother of his children. And the criticism he’s received is that he’s getting help from the Wild N’ Out cast?! Well Bizarre jumped out the window with lackluster diss records for Joe Budden and MGK. But even Uncle Luke from 2 Live Crew didn’t backdown from Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg with Cowards In Compton. Uncle Luke and Kid n’ Play even had beef at one point. 2Pac and De La Soul had issues back in the day as well. Eazy-E (who didn’t write his own rhymes), got help on “Real Muthaphuckkin G’s”. 2Pac had “Hit Em Up”, Ice Cube had “No Vaseline”, JayZ’s “Takeover”, Nas’ “Ether”, how is it that Eminem hasn’t made a classic diss record? Not even a legendary diss verse or battle along the lines of Lil Flip vs. T.I. or T.I. and Ludacris?
Gucci Mane dissed Eminem on a song with Mariah Carey entitled “Obsessed” and he threw shade at him in a radio interview, but Eminem has never addressed it. The goat wouldn’t and shouldn’t be taking any direspect from anyone especially your reputation is that you’re not the one to be messed with on the mic.
Prodigy (RIP) has battled more top-tier rappers and held his own than Eminem.
Eminem came at Tyler The Creator for criticizing his music. And while I would contend that Tyler isn’t a better MC than Em, is there any question that the style and innovation of Tyler and Odd Future has superceded that of Em of D-12?
Who did you know that wore Eminem’s brand, Shady Ltd./Shady Wear and what did they look like? And how does it stack up to other rapper clothing lines like Wu Wear, Apple Bottoms, State Property, or even Tyler’s Golf Wang?
How is it that Eminem is the goat but he’s the least sampled, least referenced goat? Not a beat, hook, or anything that’s been flipped or remixed? And he has the least amount of notable features. Now the “stans” will say it’s because they don’t want to be outshined but why hasn’t that stopped people from working with other greats?
So not only does Eminem have a classic diss record but he doesn’t have a classic street anthem, party record, song for the ladies, conscious rap, dance move, or any other prominent category. Of the goats, Eminem has the least noticeable impact in look, style, flow, voice, or slang. The people who have apparently patterned themselves after him are folks like G-Eazy, Hopsin, Joyner Lucas, Merkules, Yelawolf, and Logic. And I rest my case. If Eminem were black he would be Hopsin at worst and Redman or Busta Rhymes at best (much respect to them). Let him and Royce da 5'9" switch places.
Eminem takes liberty to reiterate this on the song “Fall”, but aside from being from Detroit, how has Eminem inspired Big Sean and Royce? That’s like saying JayZ, Mos Def, Big Daddy Kane, Sean Price and Fabolous gave us Tekashi69 because they’re all from Brooklyn. Em is the biggest rap artist from the entire state of Michigan. However, what Eminem song would you recommend someone hear to get that feel? Hip hop has always been very sonically regional in its essence. What Eminem song puts on for the city that makes you see and feel Detroit? There’s no Detroit references, slang, visuals, bridging of musical history (Motown, techno, etc.) Not even a “What Up Doe?!”. How did he avoid to not do any work with Slum Village or the legendary J. Dilla (RIP)??
There’s often been comparisons between Eminem and Elvis Presley. But I liken Em to martial arts star Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris is one of the most successful martial arts stars ever but he is not a creator, innovator, nor master of any martial arts style. Yet he is quite larger than many of the originators. Like Norris, Eminem is quite proficient in various styles but he’s a master of none. And then created his own style (Chun Kuk Do), and put himself at the top. Eminem never shies away from crediting O.G.’s Kool G Rap, Naughty By Nature, Poor Righteous Teachers, etc. However, I think Em has a bit of a white savior complex of asserting his authority and dictating what is/is not real hip hop leaving black folks as just receptacles. Then getting upset when we reject it. Moreover, like Norris and his “Norris facts” or the “sniper skills”, Eminem has been mythologized and mysticized as a “Rap God”. No, I don’t think Eminem is a culture vulture or guilty of cultural appropriation . I think he could be a better cultural steward. Good stewardship being defined as “the careful and responsible management of something entrusted to one’s care”. I would consider people like Stretch Armstrong, DJ Muggs, Alchemist, and Steve Rifkind such exemplary custodians of the culture.
Ask yourself what exactly are Eminem’s top 5 songs? When and how often have you listened to them after they initial release? After the media machine of Viacom took it out of rotation on MTV’s networks and shows like TRL and subsequently, BET. And when do you put them in rotation at the club, barbershop, with your lady, hanging with the fellas, etc.? Then compare those top 5 songs to the top 5 of his contemporaries. Name your top 5 Eminem songs and see if it was the #1 rap song that year in the hip hop community.
One of the main talking points regarding Eminem being “the goat” is in regards to his record sales. This is rather moot when you after you consider the consumption of the dominant society, record sales, have never been solely indicative of the measure in which hip hop determines greatness as an MC. If that were the case, then rappers like Nelly, MC Hammer, Flo-Rida, Chingy, and Lil Nas X, should be on people’s top 10 list.
Likewise could be said of awards. Otherwise, who’s saying Young MC Coolio is top tier? DJ Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince (Will Smith) won the first rap Grammy in 1989 but I would hardly consider that to be the best album of ’89 nor are they top 10 in duos/groups of all-time. Institutions primarily in the dominant society choose who to praise, credentialize, and reward including the categories of merit. Notorious B.I.G., 2Pac, Snoop Dogg, Nas, and Busta Rhymes are just a few who have NEVER been nominated for a Grammy. Just focusing on rap/hip hop categories, let’s break this down even further:
In 1999, Eminem won the MTV Europe Music Award for Best Hip Hop over Beastie Boys, Busta Rhymes, Puff Daddy, and Will Smith. (See #5)I’m confused about the nominees as well as him winning. Interesting in 1999, Eminem also won an MTV Music Award for Best New Artist “My Name Is…” but he was not nominated in neither the Best Rap Video nor Best Hip Hop video categories. Now in 2000, Eminem began winning awards regarding his video starting with two Billboard awards. Again, the outlandish videos were one of the things that has kept him in the minds of the public. Blockbuster (yeah that Blockbuster Video) decided to create their own awards from 1995–2001 and gave Eminem the award for Favorite Rap Artist in 2001. Go figure?! In 2001, the MTV Europe Music Awards, Eminem won Best Hip Hop. D12 was nominated as well along with Missy Elliott, Outkast, and P. Diddy. D12?! You have to be kidding me! So not only throw in a June 2001 release into the mix with projects from the previous year, but they want you to believe that this was the best hip hop of 2000–01. (See #7)Eve with Scorpion was a better album than D12.
A German association of record companies puts on a ceremony of their own called the Echo Awards. Check out the link and see how preposterous the nominations were. I’m not going to go through ever single one but it was pretty much a foregone conclusion they would give him the award every year. Notwithstanding the fact that in 2001, Eminem won over Nelly’s Country Grammar. Now of course, Eminem is a better MC but if you’re talking about which album had the most hit records in the hip hop community, I’m going to have to say Nelly. Are we really saying in 2002, D12 Devil’s Night was a better album than Outkast Stankonia?! 2003 they gave it to The Eminem Show over Nellyville. Again check this discography and you tell me which has gotten more play over the years. 2005, the Echo Awards nominated D12 and Eminem AGAIN, for D12 World and Encore, respectively. And to add insult to injury, the Beastie Boys were nominated for To The 5 Boroughs. But not College Dropout?! The Echo Awards nominated Eminem for Curtain Call: The Hits in 2006 and 2007 (winning in 2007). So A F#KIN GREATEST HITS ALBUM that was released in 2005 was nominated TWICE and won Best Hip Hop over albums released the previous eligible year like T.I.’s King, Rick Ross’s Port Of Miami, and Lupe Fiasco’s Food & Liquor, but EVERYONE knows the best rap album of 2005 was Late Registration. Even Common’s Be was a smash! You’re awarding a greatest hits album over original content?! The only thing Eminem put out in 2006 was Eminem Presents: The Re-Up kanyeshrug After 2008, when Eminem stopped putting out records, they just disbanded the category altogether for the most part staying local except for 2011 when they awarded him AGAIN for Recovery. That is until 2014 awarding him yet again for MMLP2 over JayZ’s MC-HG. They also nominated Macklemore for The Heist, which was released in 2012, but skipped over Kanye and Cole which came out the actual review year (see #18). And after 2014, the Echo Awards were just like fuck it and stuck to only local German acts. This is a blueprint tho of how whenveer Eminem puts outs an album, he wins. And when he doesn’t the industry is just like meh whatever when it comes to rap/hip hop. (The coupe times 5o Cent don’t count because he’s under the Shady umbrella).
So staying in 2001, we get the Grammy Awards. Reflect and tell me what has stood the test of time:
Best Rap Album
The Marshall Mathers LP — Eminem …And Then There Was X — DMX Dr. Dre — 2001 — Dr. Dre Vol. 3… Life and Times of S. Carter — Jay-Z Country Grammar — Nelly
Best Rap Performance by a Duo or Group “Forgot About Dre” — Dr. Dre featuring Eminem “Alive” — Beastie Boys “Oooh.” — De La Soul featuring Redman “The Next Episode” — Dr. Dre featuring Snoop Dogg “Big Pimpin’” — Jay-Z featuring UGK
Best Rap Solo Performance “The Real Slim Shady” — Eminem “The Light” — Common “Party Up (Up in Here)” — DMX “Shake Ya Ass” — Mystikal “Country Grammar” — Nelly
2001 the Japan Radio Popular Disc Awards named Best Male Vocalist. So vocalist we’re talking rapping, singing, or any musicality with the mouth and Eminem’s who’s voice and cadence has been the subject of ridicule for many years, is the winner?! Now Eminem winning the Juno Award for Best Selling Album in 2001 and 2003 does make sense. Again, Eminem being able to sell records, being internationally popular, or being a great rapper has never been in dispute. My argument is against Eminem being the goat. This is why without question he’s won several World Music Awards for Worlds Best Selling Rap/Hip Hop Artist.
The Billboard Awards has an inconsistent history of including and excluding rap categories at their whim. In 2002, they decided to combine Rap and R&B Album Of The Year into one category:
The Eminem Show Ashanti, Ashanti Nellyville, Nelly Word of Mouf, Ludacris
But what’s interesting is that year Eminem WAS NOT nominated for neither Rap Artist Of The Year nor R&B/Hip Hop Songs Artist Of The Year. Nelly was nominated for both and won the former. He also beat Eminem for Artist Of The Year and Male Artist Of The Year.
Similar to the ECHO Awards, the MOBO (Music Of Black Origin) Awards in the United Kingdom inconsistenly gave an award for Best Hip Hop Act. Primarily awarded to British acts, Eminem won in 2000. But in 2010 he won Best International Artist and there hip hop was relegated to only within the U.K.
The MTV Europe Awards kept up the fuckery in 2003–04 awarding Eminem Best Hip Hop Act over 50 Cent, Missy, JayZ, and Nelly. That’s cool I suppose. But explain in 2004 Best Hip-Hop Act. In a category that includes Kanye, Nelly, and JayZ, they nominate Beastie Boys and awarded D12. AGAIN we are talking BEASTIE BOYS BEING NOMINATED AND D12 WINNING BEST HIP HOP IN 2004. How Sway?!
The 2005–06 American Music Awards were another contrived example of people not from the culture credentializing who’s the best. Will Smith (The Fresh Prince) won Favorite Pop/Rock Male Artist in a category with 50 Cent. Neither of whom would say they do neither pop nor rock music. However, 50 Cent was also nominated for Favorite Rap/Hip Hop Male Artist along with Ludacris, both losing out to Eminem. I would contend that Eminem makes rap for more of a pop audience than 50. Eminem also won for Favorite Rap Album for Encore over 50 Cent’s The Massacre and T.I.’s Urban Legend. What’s interesting is that they skipped over the 2004 release of College Dropout for the 2005 outing of 50 Cent. In 2006 for Favorite Rap Album the nominees were: The Black Eyed Peas, T.I. for King, and Eminem for Curtain Call. The Black Eyed Peas won rap album in 2005 (including favorite pop album) and 2006. They also won Favorite Rap Group over Dem Franchize Boyz and Three 6 Mafia. Name one Black Eyed Peas song that has impacted the culture like Lean Wit’ It? Not only NOBODY from the culture checking for The Black Eyed Peas like that but they nominated a damn greatest hits album over original work just like the Echo Awards did. Eminem also won Favorite Rap/Hip Hop Artist over Kanye and T.I.
2005 also saw Eminem win Teen Choice Awards for Best Rap Artist and Best Rap Song for Mockingbird. What 15 year olds in 2005 were bumpin this that you know?!
2008 VIBE Magazine again helped crystalize public opinion by creating an online bracket-style tournament naming him the Best Rapper Alive. This is how you manufacture public consent
2010 won an American Music Award for Favorite Rap/Hip Hop Artist and Album over B.o.B. and Drake. Neither Kanye nor Nicki Minaj were nominated. At the Grammy Awards, explain this.
Best Rap Performance by a Duo or Group: “Crack A Bottle” — Eminem, Dr. Dre & 50 Cent “Too Many Rappers” — Beastie Boys & Nas “Money Goes, Honey Stay” — Fabolous & Jay-Z “Make Her Say” — Kid Cudi, Kanye West & Common “Amazing” — Kanye West & Young Jeezy
When was the last time you heard or even would want to listen to Crack A Bottle over Make Her Say or Amazing?! Then look at Best Rap Album:
Relapse — Eminem Universal Mind Control — Common R.O.O.T.S. — Flo Rida The Ecstatic — Mos Def The Renaissance — Q-Tip
First off, Flo-Rida is hot garbage! Second, Q-Tip and Common’s albums were released in 2008. So if you’re reaching back to ’08, then you have to include Kanye’s 808s & Heartbreak, T.I.’s Paper Trail, and Lil Wayne’s Tha Carter III. I’d put Shawty Lo’s Units In The City and Soulja Boy’s iSouljaBoyTellEm up there. Dey Know and Turn My Swag On had a bigger impact on the culture than anything off of Relaps. And ’09 you’re neglected JayZ’s The Blueprint 3.
2010 also saw Eminem win a MTV Europe Music Award for Best Hip Hop Act over Lil Wayne, Snoop Dogg, T.I., and Kanye West. And at the Teen Choice Awards, Eminem won Best Rap Artist, Rap Album, and Rap Song for “Love The Way You Lie”. I don’t know what teenagers they were polling but I can take a guess. The Soul Train Awards wanted you to believe that “Love The Way You Lie” was the Best Rap Song of 2010 as well. And at the People’s Choice Awards, Eminem won Favorite Hip Hop Artist over Flo Rida, JayZ, Lil Wayne, and T.I. But again as we reflect back, tell me who and what sound was running hip hop 2008–2010.
So the 2011 Billboard Awards roll around and Eminem wins Top Rap Artist over Drake, Lil Wayne, Ludacris, and Nicki Minaj. Hmm, I guess. Then he gets Top Rap Album for Recovery over:
Thank Me Later — Drake Pink Friday — Nicki Minaj I Am Not a Human Being — Lil Wayne My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy — Kanye West Help me make sense of it!
Then again at the MTV Europe Awards, Eminem won Best Hip Hop. And once more they conflated 2010 releases with 2011. So the nominees included Snoop Dogg and Pitbull who dropped in 2010 and Lil Wayne and JayZ/Kanye West from 2011. This is JayZ/Kanye West as Watch The Throne. But we’re to believe that Eminem’s Recovery was running the rap world more than Watch The Throne.
And at the 2011 People’s Choice Awards, Eminem was given the award over Drake, Jay-Z, Snoop Dogg, and Ludacris. Eminem beat Drake who put out Thank Me Later and Take Care, back to back?! Same year at the Teen Choice Awards, he beat out Lupe Fiasco, Kanye West, Nicki Minaj, and Pitbull. 2012 People’s Choice gave it to him again over B.o.B., Jay-Z, Nicki Minaj, and Pitbull.
MTV Europe Awards back with the bullshit in 2013 giving Eminem the Best Hip Hop Award over Jay-Z, Drake, Kanye West, and Macklemore & Ryan Lewis. Even though Macklemore is wack AF, still gotta concede that “Thrift Shop” was a bigger record than Eminem’s 2012–13 output.
2014 at the American Music Awards, Eminem was nominated with Drake but didn’t win. Iggy Azalea incomprehensibly won! 2014 Billboard Awards was a complete sham. Eminem won Top Rap Artist and Top Rap Album over Drake, Pitbull, Macklemore & Ryan Lewis, and Jay-Z. The nominees fot Top Rap Song was even more outrageous. “Can’t Hold Us” — Macklemore & Ryan Lewis ft. Ray Dalton beat out:
“The Monster” — Eminem ft. Rihanna “Holy Grail” — Jay-Z ft. Justin Timberlake “Thrift Shop” — Macklemore & Ryan Lewis ft. Wanz “Timber” — Pitbull ft. Kesha “Started From The Bottom” by Drake didn’t even make the cut.
At the 2015 Grammy’s, Eminem won Best Rap/Sung Collaboration for “The Monster” over ILoveMakonnen’s “Tuesday”. Doesn’t make sense. And although it wasn’t nominated, this is the same year as Chris Brown “Loyal”. And Best Rap Album was in complete shambles from the artists chosen to the consistency of the releases:
The Marshall Mathers LP 2 — Eminem The New Classic — Iggy Azalea Because the Internet — Childish Gambino Nobody’s Smiling — Common Oxymoron — ScHoolboy Q Blacc Hollywood — Wiz Khalifa
2017 MTV Europe Awards awarded Eminem yet again for Best Hip Hop in the same category as Drake, Future, Kendrick Lamar, and Post Malone. I could even see Post Malone winning but Eminem?! And this is following the same year as “Hotline Bling” from Drake. Eminem but no J. Cole 4 Your Eyez Only?! Eminem but no Kanye The Life Of Pablo. Eminem but no Travis Scott Birds In The Trap Sing Midnight?! EMINEM but no Chance The Rapper Coloring Book. Make it make sense! Those are all 2016 releases. Eminem didn’t drop until 2017 with Revival. So then you’re talking Kendrick’s DAMN, Drake’s More Life, Rapsody’s Laila’s Wisdom, Jay-Z’s 4:44, and Vince Staple’s Big Fish Theory among others. MTV Europe Awards even had the audacity to nominate him again in 2018 this time along with Travis Scott, Drake, and the Migos. Fortunately, his lost out to Nicki Minaj.
These award shows create the machinations of validity the lens of the mainstream society. Even when rappers like 2Pac, Snoop, JayZ, Missy Elliott, DMX, etc. crossover, the favorite songs of the mainstream vary quite differently than the favorites of those from within the culture.
And now in 2021, we are already dealing with the propaganda from Eminem’s latest outing Music To Be Murdered By Side A and Side B. He’s already been certified gold and outsold artists like Roddy Ricch and DaBaby who dropped end of 2019. And like his previous projects, it debuted #1 on Billboard, but has an immediate drop off in terms of word of mouth after the first week, and it has ZERO hit songs that resonate in the streets. Once again proving that record sales don’t always equate to moving the culture.
What does it profit black people to create, when others receive the lionshare of the accolades and profits? There’s a system which enabled Elvis to co-opt and supplant Chuck Berry and Rosetta Tharpe. There’s a system which put out the images on television. Moreover, who determined and changed the trajectory of hip hop from its Afrocentric roots to violence, materialism, sex, and drugs?
The historical lack of black toys, superheroes, and action figures was by design. So the question is as Eminem ends the “Pespective” skit, how has he made a difference? In conclusion, I have to reiterate that none of this is to say that Eminem isn’t a great MC and an amazing lyricist. Again, I’m just saying he is not The GOAT.
Source: https://medium.com/@russelllawrencebenford/why-eminem-is-still-not-the-greatest-rapper-of-all-time-6bd14eead52d

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Previous chapter (RETRO COSMOS)
​ #2 - THE TWISTED HEIST ​
A star had just gone out in the distance, sending its entire system, planets and moons, into oblivion. So, what was a simple life compared to a sun? Did the human existence that earthlings highly cherished in the past deserve so much fuss?
I would say no, of course, because I’m a cat. Our condition to us felines will never have to pale in front of a shiny astronomical object. Mine specifically, don’t you think?
Oswald Avery was merely a Homo sapiens. A retired buccaneer, fermenting his adulterated wine on the carcass of a drifting supercargo; all under the remodeled features of a former Galactic Trade Company’s pilot. Alas, regardless of the genetic disguise, the FID rarely lied. It hadn’t fooled us and the masks had fallen off. Just like him.
I’m such a poet.
Anyway… Avery had had a long life of crimes and adventures. He was full of energy in his youth. And as in the universe, nothing is lost, nothing is created, everything is transformed, this energy was reincarnated in a nice amount in our bank account once the old picaroon flatlined.
“We finally got it! And it was a traditional Martian contract. Payable remotely, on condition that the FID is validated. How about that?”
“God… Lee … you’re talking to yourself and it’s only 8 a.m.,” Ali grunted behind me.
My couch potato of an associate had her head still stuck in the cereal box she was nibbling before falling asleep binge-watching Captain Caveman on ABC.
“To begin with, it’s 8 p.m., Martian Time. And we do have a positive balance in our bank account for the first time in months! Do you know what that means, partner?”
“Shopping, bitches!” she shouted as she hurled herself into the void, gliding to the bathroom in the weightlessness.
With the cardboard box on the top of her head, this sugar bishop was swimming after the remnant cereals that floated on her path like Ms. Pac-Man.
“Hell! Have I just opened Pandora’s box?”
The liner Danaë and its forty-eight post-nuclear Baltimore-XVIII heavy reactors made its annual cruise from Lunapolis to the suburbs of Ceres, in the belt. Its figurehead with the effigy of the Greek princess was a two hundred meters long, green ceramic statue. The size of the ship exceeded some inhabited asteroids’ diameter so it possessed its own substantial gravitational field.
“It’s quite a symbol of the decline of humanity,” I said to Ali, pointing with my chin at this unique work of art.
“Why?” my partner asked without caring whatsoever. “Spill the beans, Plato.”
The Kitty had obtained permission to dock and began its approach. I concluded then:
“Humanity no longer erects great and beautiful things without turning them into a shopping mall.”
The gold and ivory Danaë was one of the most luxurious epicenters of human decadence in the system; comprising hotels, casinos, megastores and amusement parks spread over a dozen centrifugal rings. There was something for everyone’s wallet, ready to be emptied, whether one was welcomed at the port or had joined during the crossing.
And to my great regret, the cape of the Danaë was just passing by us that week.
“I believe we should keep our savings for the maintenance of the Swallow. The dashboard lights up like a Christmas tree. Some parts need to be changed…”
“You’re such a bore with your adult talks,” my partner said as she left the fitting room of a luxury chain overlooking the main deck. “What do you think of that? Sexy as fuck, right?”
Her camisole didn’t hide a single inch square of flesh and I subtly pointed it out to her:
“It’s a bit of a back-alley Sally.”
I took a blow on the nose which, this time, was amply justified.
“There’s nothing chicer than Borderline. You don’t know anything about fashion. It’s crazy!”
She was furious. It was entertaining. But she was right. The human female fads were way over my head and I wasn’t a good adviser. Mostly because I didn’t care. At all.
Fortunately, the upscale shopping mall where we were staying had provided us with a free assistant who was even more servile than a decerebrate canine. As usual, the robot carrier that accompanied us did the job by flattering her with its unbearable honeyed tone:
“I find you charming, Madame. Here we have the latest fashionable lingerie on Mars. It’s an ephemeral collection that appears to have been specially made to mold your discreet curves, which seem to have been sculpted by the seraphim.”
Ali gave me a satisfied look that I pretended to ignore. Then she backtracked into the fitting room to put her black suit and pink jacket back on.
I took the opportunity to climb on the shoulders of this silly robot, servant of our servants and last link in this hierarchy whose origins go back to Ancient Egypt.
“One more move like this and I’ll turn you into a gum dispenser.”
The automaton apologized before my partner’s head emerged from behind the silk curtains which were far too fragrant for my taste.
“I just checked; it’s too expensive anyway. I ain’t buying it,” she announced. “Can you order a taxicab to take us to the hotels’ ring? You’d be a sweetheart.”
Happy to leave this irascible human with her robotic slave, I proceeded to the nearest service terminal. By the time I requested a vehicle, a flying cigarette dispenser could light me a Lucky.
“It’s forbidden to smoke in our store, Monsieur.”
The customer attaché, in his blue silk suit with elephant legs, had appeared out of nowhere. Yet, with such a shiny tie, this punk should have dazzled me from the Kuiper belt.
“Please be kind and get me a Pepper Coke instead of ruining my eyesight…” I grumbled in response.
I was in an awful mood. I definitely hated shopping. And people. Yet the pedestrian avenues of the Danaë had a very exceptional population density. Perms were making a strong comeback, as were neon tattoos and overly open flowered shirts. Under the false UVA/B sun, it was a true dance of flesh, steel and plastic bodies with assumed nudity. Implants and surgery erased the hazards of the genetic lottery for better or worse. It was so superficial. So futile. So human.
“Hello, handsome!” Ali cried out, a large smile across her face. “Lee? You didn’t tell me you knew Christophe Lambert! You know I'm a huge Highlander fan!”
My partner had just joined me, arms loaded with bags massive enough to live in it, start a family and park my chromic Pontiac Firebird. All were filled with C$400 t-shirts and sneakers that she didn’t need and would only put on once.
“No smell. Hologram,” I conclude by throwing my cigarette butt through the smiling ghost.
“Shame!” Ali sighed.
She then looked at her terminal, and continued:
“Do you think I have time to grab a watch module? There are sales in the Japanese aisle! I saw some GD-8 that would go well with my new Game Pocket! This boat is fucking rad!”
Ali could not stop humming Who wants to live forever. I had to rub my temples to avoid a migraine before the arrival of our taxicab five minutes later.
These were miniature limousines with double fake leather benches, facing each other at the back. There was a minibar with expensive multicolored drinks and sugar-soaked snacks, the sapiens’ primary source of calories and high Gs space travel drug. For the sensitive, the smart-fridge provided diet sodas with aspartame, but no one took it. Finally, there were free Gauloise cigarettes next to the ashtray on the armrest. And even Tylenol!
“What a time to be alive!”
Right after leaving the fashion district, a soft voice of a young woman, who appeared to us through the armored porthole separating her from her customers, finally emerged from the cockpit:
“Good evening! I’m Miss Meera. At your service. Hotel de Saint-Malo, correct?”
I nodded. She smiled at us. She was beautiful with her incredibly dark night metal skin that contrasted strongly with her silvery-white hair. She also had charming ivory eyes with absolutely no reflection. They were a mesmerizing void of light.
In fact, it was so rare to deal with a real person, and not an AI, that we engaged rapidly in a lovely and honest discussion with Meera. We were mostly talking about life on the Danaë. As she stated, the rules on board were very strict, even military. All was done to make sure that the customer had the most pleasant time at the expense of everything else. Finally, according to her, her condition wasn’t the most to be pitied in the cosmos. And she was fully satisfied with this precarious semi-nomadic existence.
“And what about you? Are you here on vacation or in transit for work?” she eventually asked. “What do you do for a living?”
Should we have told her that we were executing infamous people so Ali would collect expensive t-shirts and I could fulfill my nicotine addiction?
“Don’t get me wrong but I saw that you had a gun. Are you in the police… or are you pirates?”
It wasn’t the first time someone asked us this question. Although weapons were allowed on most ships and stations, it wasn’t wise to display them unless you were looking for trouble. Unfortunately, hiding such a large caliber under such a tight vest was a Herculean task.
“You can get much farther with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone”, simply quoted Ali, her forehead against the window covered with scented stickers.
Meera laughed before continuing:
“Very well, Al Capone. I understand that you’re not the type to let yourself be taken advantage of.”
The taxicab entered the central expressway after the water park then suddenly swerved violently to the left.
“What is going on?” I gasped.
After crushing the safety railing, we fell from one rotating bridge to the other in a frantic cavalcade. Judging by Meera’s swear words, this ride wasn’t part of the show.
Avoiding the stalls of an art market and a group of children coming out of an arcade, the driver finally managed to recover in extremis. It was about time, because within seconds we were passing through the transparent protective wall of the hotels’ deck.
“A thousand apologies! Another one of those mor… clients from the Middle System who doesn’t know how to use a rental car,” she shouted through the window. “Are you guys hurt?”
“No, thanks to you,” I replied, my tail spiked over my head, taped to Ali’s neck now decorated with bloody scratches.
Although my human forehead now had a bump on it the size of a golf ball, it was true that Meera had just saved our lives. This young girl had unsuspected driving talents despite taxicabs’ lack of handling. She didn’t belong here, playing the steward in a yellow circus uniform. This woman should have been a fighter pilot; or a NASCAR driver on Canyon Creek.
“In any case, here you’re almost in front of your hotel,” she replied. “You don’t have to pay anything, and I apologize again for the scare.”
From the outside, the taxicab now looked like a can of nutrigel after going through a crusher. Yet, it still worked. May God Darwin bless Venusian steel.
After thanking her, we wished Meera a good day. But the cockpit window suddenly went down on the passenger side. The smile of the driver had faded. She had tears at the corner of her white eyes.
“Wait!” she asked. “This weapon… do you really know how to use it?”
So, life on the Danaë wasn’t so sweet. As Meera explained to us in a secluded alleyway, a trio of criminals had come to threaten her a few days earlier, after finding she was a bodacious driver. They were preparing a heist in one of the flying city’s fifty casinos. The young woman was now ready to pay the price to settle the case.
“What is your opinion about this whole situation?” I asked Ali, once in our room, a small yet cozy suite whose glass walls overlooked the vacuum of space.
My human had applied a brownish ointment on her hump, which disappeared soon after, leaving only a slight pinkish hematoma.
“Meera said she would provide us with more details tomorrow. However, if she ponies up the cash, I don’t see why we would refuse. We ain’t mercs but these three guys must have a bounty on their heads. Let’s do our job, right?
“Indeed…”
All we had to do was wait for more instructions. Fortunately, it had been months since we had been able to take days off except on miserable gas stations full of drug addicts, implants scavengers and prostitutes.
After another morning of shopping, Ali went to the thalassotherapy center of the neighboring hotel. Her main occupation? Overeating sushi made by 3D nutrigel printing while getting massages.
Alas, I didn’t have the time to bask under the false sun of the lakeside resort and get my belly stroked. As a good captain, I had to go to the maintenance to fix the numerous damages of the Kitty. As always, the bill would be higher than expected.
Everything was orchestrated so that we would never hold a positive balance in this corrupted system. We had to chain contract after contract.
But Meera’s gig didn’t sound right. There was something I didn’t like and I couldn’t catch it yet. All my cat sensors were in the red. Unfortunately, the bounty hunter’s ones only saw the green of the bills.
Don’t judge me.
The young taxicab driver had finally contacted Ali again by holoconference in the early afternoon, shortly before I joined her at the exit of the tanning booths. Or as I called them: human toasters.
“Have you finished roasting like a Thanksgiving turkey?” I asked her as she plunged into the icy water of the adjacent basin, under the lustful gaze of a group of cadets from the Marine Academy.
“Meera will pick us up with a new taxicab in the hotel parking lot,” she whispered once back to me. “Alongside her, we will meet two of the criminals at the burglary location, shortly before midnight.”
“Go on.”
“We take care of these guys and we catch up with the last one: the band leader, in the storage cavities of the hangar reserved for the ship’s logistics. Below the last rotating ring.”
In Eve’s costume, Ali came out of the basin, not without deliberately drenching me. The water had a nasty chemical taste from being filtered day after day.
“Do you have any intelligence on these jokers?” I insisted while lighting a cigarette.
“The Broadway Gang. Three brothers. C$45,000 for the trio. We will also be able to recover at least C$10,000 of Techno-federal tax on their ship depending on its condition. Easy cash with the dollar credits that Meera promises us…”
Now sitting on the ledge, my partner splashed her feet to demonstrate her eagerness to head back swimming.
“Excellent! This will pay for the maintenance and allow us to save some money on our way to the belt.”
“Can I go now?” she asked, sliding back into the water.
“You may,” I had concluded before seeing her leave for her absurd wanderings that would fill her afternoon.
I myself was very busy making eyes at the wealthy guests of the hotel restaurant to glean a few pieces of Peking duck or juicy crabs. They were real farm animals from Mars. Not nutrigel. It was worth abandoning a little dignity aside.
With a full belly, I finally joined Ali in the middle of the evening. Arriving in the corridor of our suite, I crossed the group of cadets noticed near the swimming pool. They seemed tired but blissfully smiling as they just discovered the nirvana. And I knew why…
“Ali? Are you ready?” I said as I walked through the half-open bedroom door.
Her dressing gown had been thrown on the floor. Her gun and badge were resting on the bedside table against a giant bottle of Koala Springs soda and a pyramid of little Yoyo Mints.
To be honest, I expected a bigger mess.
“Gimme five minutes,” she replied while in the shower.
An hour later, we met Meera in the staff parking lot behind the recycling stations. Without further discussion, we joined the expressway in the taxicab. Between two noisy info-ads, the radio played Sweet Transvestite then the rest of the mythical Rocky Horror soundtrack.
“I wonder what Tim Curry’s up to these days,” asked Ali while browsing the intraweb on her implant.
“Being legendary as usual,” I answered.
Afterwards, the casino was in sight. But once on the forecourt illuminated by the gold and silver bulbs, we heard gunshots and screams. My partner and I quickly realized that this was a violent robbery rather than a modest heist.
“What the fuck, Meera?” Ali asked, turning to the porthole that separated us from the cockpit.
There was a hint of irritation in her voice.
Meera remained mute, her hands on the wheel and her gaze forward. In the rear-view mirror the young woman looked panicked.
The right door of the vehicle suddenly opened and two men sat down in front of us. They were wearing theater masks: the first was Melpomene, the sad grimace of tragedy; the second, Thalia, the twisted smile of comedy. Each brigand carried a huge metal block under his arm; drawers that were sure to be full of cash. On the other hand, they held their still smoking ZeG-4 machine guns even more firmly.
When they saw us, they both gasped, in unison:
“What the fuck, Meera?”
One… two. One… two.
Four holes in their faded tuxedo. Four bullets as big as a cat’s eye that silenced them forever, before slowly repainting the bench in red.
“What the fuck was that? You killed them!” Meera shouted this time, as she started the electric engine. “You had tasers at your disposal, you psychos!”
She had finally turned around. Her voice was quivering. She was no longer panicked, but angry.
The tasers must have slipped between the seats because I hadn’t seen them. My partner raised her eyebrows and it made me realize that their use had never been in mind.
“We’re bounty hunters, not 9 to 5 social workers!” continued Ali. “Now, you gotta motor, otherwise the cops will shoot our ass on the spot before we could even meet the third dude!”
Meera put her foot on the pedal and one could almost hear the noise of the thrusters melting the white asphalt.
“I can perceive the sirens, Ali,” I concluded before Meera entered the ring's external road reserved for logistic transport.
We then had the shortest car chase we had taken part in. The Danaë security forces may not have had the best elements in the system, but Meera’s talents didn’t give them a chance. We had crossed half a dozen rotative bridges to the rhythm of Take on Me, zigzagging between expressways and maintenance tunnels to arrive before the song ended at the deserted logistics hangar.
It was similar to a huge supermarket with honeycombed shelves. Each of these garages, dimly illuminated by red LEDs, housed a delivery or transport vessel. There was the most impressive fleet I had ever seen.
In one of the first level’s cells stood, between a set of clamps, a Swift-0 scout, from Peugeot Corp, with wings spread. The Swifts were small and very high-end single-seaters. They could be modified to integrate weapons systems, but their primary characteristics were velocity and evasion.
Leaning on the flank of the mono-turbine, the last of the three criminals, a tall blond man with a “Chevy Chase” prominent chin was looking down on the approaching taxicab.
“Were they planning to escape on that ship? The three of them?” I remarked when the vehicle stopped a few meters from the small vessel.
But Meera ignored me.
“Hand me the money, I’m going out. That was the agreement.”
The porthole opened at its base, allowing us to pass the steel cash drawers. Once the taxicab’s ignition was turned off, only their holographic numbers glowed in the dark.
“It’s all over if his cronies don’t stick their noses out of the car,” Ali replied, finally giving the second drawer away. “He’s going to figure out that it went south. He will kill you!”
Outside, the man was getting impatient. Blinded by the taxicab’s headlights, he came closer before exclaiming:
“Zéphyr, are you there? Where are my brothers? Security is closing all the departure modules. We will be stuck here, for fuck’s sake!”
He now had a gun in his hand. A machine gun identical to those of his companions currently bathed in their blood, nailed to the seats.
“Zéphyr? Wait… I know that name!” I meowed to myself.
The doors and portholes of the taxicab were locked. Ali and I were now stuck in the back with the two flatlined and most wanted criminals on the ship.
“Sorry guys, but I’ll handle the rest.”
Miss Meera, alias Zéphyr, smiled at us through the armored glass just before leaving the cockpit by the driver’s door.
“What a fucking piece of shit… Lee? Do you have a plan? I think the windows are bulletproof. I don’t feel like testing. Especially if it’s bouncing around with us inside, we will be turned into ground beef!”
“Did you forget who I am, my dear?”
I was already crawling under the seat, between a pair of Méduse shoes and half nibbled fried rat wings. It was time to demonstrate all my infiltration skills learned from Ninja Gaiden. Unfortunately, both the crab and the duck slowed me down and my belly remained for a few seconds stuck under the driver’s seat with my head on the brake pedal. How outrageous!
From the porthole, I saw Ali watching what was happening in front of us, near the ship. Our eyes met for a brief moment and I could read on her lips: “diet kibble”.
“Better off dead!” I shouted.
My paw reached the bottom of the dashboard, activating the mechanical opening of doors and windows. And, accidentally, the loudest horn in this dimension.
“My bad!”
My sapiens immediately jumped outside, pointing her gun to Zéphyr. Surprised by the thunderous din, her target pivoted towards us, uncovered, turning her back to the human with the magnificent chin and his ZeG-4 who yelled:
“What in the whole universe is that? Wait! I know her! Did you bring us bounty hunters? You were clearly planning to double-cross us!”
The man shouted and his gun produced a rain of bullets. It first hit the windshield of the taxicab, passing through the conductor compartment where I was. The rounds bent the windscreen, but it held. This wasn’t, however, the case for the hood, protecting the engine and the reservoir full of coolant, which ended up covering the seat and my face.
Fortunately, the sticky alcohol allowed me to escape from this trap and jump out of the vehicle through the window I had previously opened. But, once again, a fire ring enveloped the ZeG-4’s cannon.
“This is how I die…” I meowed, eyes closed.
I was violently tackled and hit the ground. Zéphyr had saved me at the last moment, just before bullets obliterated the front of the taxicab.
Other projectiles ricocheted off the metal money drawers on the floor and got lost in the ceiling, activating the fire sprinklers. This incident triggered a silent light alarm throughout the hangar while the mobster prepared a new salvo.
“Don’t hurt my pilot, you narbo!” roared my partner.
Ali, this time taken as a target, retaliated. She fired a single shot towards the rascal with a formidable precision. No one knew how to handle such a heavy gun as she did. She was my human. She was the best in her field: murder.
And I taught her everything. Almost.
The leader of the robbers tried to reload the magazine of his weapon, unaware that his heart had been punctured a few seconds before. Adrenaline was doing its job. But the blood loss caused by the explosion of the aorta at its base, near the ventricles, gradually stopped him in his gesture. His pressure dropped and the bloodstream no longer reached the brain sufficiently. He was already in a coma when his shoulders touched the ground. He was luckier than the average Joe and died a few seconds later.
“Is everything all right?”
My voice was trembling, still in shock from this disaster. I was wet and frozen.
Zéphyr got up with difficulty. Next to us, one of the metal drawers was opened, revealing a bunch of green bills and a much stranger booty: an eight-inch gold diskette with suspicious Chinese symbols.
Well… I couldn’t read them but Chinese symbols on stuff are always suspect, aren’t they?
But there were more important matters. Because my partner, on the other hand, stayed on the ground. Blood was dripping from her black suit and mixed with the clear firefighting fluid that was falling like an endless rain.
I tried to talk to her again but my voice was lost in a groan.
“Why are you whining, you big baby? It’s just blood.”
With her nose in a puddle, my sapiens smiled at me. Her left hand was compressing her abdomen. The bullet had passed through the external oblique muscle, far from the stomach.
It wasn’t that bad after all but she had scared me. And that deserved a scratch on the wrist that made her scream:
“What the fuck?”
“And the medical expenses? Have you thought about medical expenses? We don’t have insurance!”
“God, Uncle Scrooge! I hate you!”
“We won’t be able to fix the Kitty with your heroic outbursts!” I fulminated to mask my joy of seeing her in one piece.
“I will kill you, Muppet! I almost died! I don’t give a fuck about your rusty trash can which flies like a brick!”
It was true that we hadn’t had a fight for a long time.
“Guys…” intervened Zéphyr.
“What?”
Ali and I had spoken together.
“These three ruffians had planned to steal the diskette drive from me once I got back. I needed a hand, so… thank you… I guess.”
“You’re welcome,” my human answered dryly while sitting.
Although Zéphyr saved me, I didn’t share the same kindness:
“Wait, we’re not letting him go! Do you know who he is?”
Zéphyr. Prince of thieves. And yes, he wasn’t much of a princess either. Just an androgynous cyborg. A breakout king wanted throughout the entire system for his affiliation with the Data Brokers’ Guild. With an incredible bounty of C$800,000, she or he… whatever… was the knight of the brokers’ chessboard.
“I think we’ve had enough for today,” Ali said. “Unless you hope to go after him with these big fat guts of yours.”
“By the 79 moons of Jupiter, you shall pay for this, woman!” I meowed, angry.
My ears were backwards and my hairs were spiky. But soaking wet, it just made Ali and Zéphyr laugh.
Disgrace!
“He’s so cute when he’s furious,” he joked.
Now on his knees, the night-skinned androgynous was blotting Ali’s wound with a torn piece of fabric from his driver’s uniform.
“But more seriously, I need to go. With the bounty, you’ll be able to repair your vessel. As for the hospital fees, I will contact a good friend who will take care of you for free. She’s the ship’s chief medical officer.”
“Thank you,” I simply replied as he helped my partner get back on her feet.
“It’s the least I can do. I wasn’t interested in money. More important information is contained in this,” he said as he was picking up the floppy disk.
This golden diskette must have been worth a lot of cash for Zéphyr to play a taxicab driver to ensure coverage. I had perceived that something was fishy!
Then, halfway to his Swift-0, Zéphyr stopped. I witnessed his hesitation.
“There was nothing personal, you know. We’re all just trying to make our way. The best we can…”
And he ultimately left before adding:
“Maybe we’ll see each other again! You seem like fun.”
Before fleeing away, Zéphyr abandoned one of the boxes near the criminal’s corpse. Thus, he validated the theory of a robbery that had gone wrong. When the security arrived a few minutes later, we were the heroes of the day. And with a little bribe, nobody cared about Zéphyr’s missing ship.
This whole story surely left us a bitter taste. A feeling of defeat and humiliation that the swimming pool under the synthetic sun couldn’t make disappear even a week after.
“He undoubtedly played us as we were rookies, with his little face of a young innocent girl in distress,” I said to Ali right after the end of the daily Brett Maverick.
This old show was dispensed on a couple of giant screens suspended by drones.
Until now, Ali had remained silent on her deckchair; with a brick of sour juice stuck between her breasts and a pair of straws between her teeth. Only inaudible grunts emanated from her mouth since the departure of the sexually unclassifiable mugger.
“I wonder what information this fucking cyber-Tootsie could have been looking for in that casino,” my human mumbled as she squeaked her rainbow flip-flops.
“Admit that it’s not really that question that puts you in such a state…” I answered, now well installed on my motorized buoy that I had gotten as a gift in a diet kibbles package.
“You bet! I will have a nasty tan mark on my stomach with these bandages!” she exploded, spitting out her plastic straws with infinite curls.
My float slipped towards the ledge as a robot came to bring us our next glucose overdose.
Ali finally added:
“I swear that if we run into him again, I’ll smack his fucking angel face.”
Back to business!

^{From https://outwittrade.com/first-date-tips/:}
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First dates can be nerve-racking, but they don’t have to be — and most certainly shouldn’t be. Dates, by their nature, should be fun. To help you try to enjoy and succeed in your first dates, this piece is a compilation of tips and advice from dating coaches, relationship experts and people who have had a great first date on what they feel is the #1 thing people should pay attention to on a first date. Of the 21 comments that have been submitted to us so far, you’ll notice many have websites in the dating space and are more than qualified to give good, practical advice on dating. I therefore strongly recommend reading through these!
To summarize, here are the main points people have brought up so far (I’ve included links that will bring you to the main comment bringing up each point). There are just 1 or 2 differing opinions about what kind of date is best (such as meeting at a coffee shop or doing an outdoors activity), and we’ll leave it up to you, the reader, to decide what resonates the most with you:
​

• Listen to what your date is saying, and try to go a little bit deeper into the why of what they do or what they like
• Frame the conversation around your dates interest for much more engaging conversation
• Don’t ask boring questions like “What do you do?” – rather, ask engaging questions that elicit an emotional response
• Remember of course to wash your hair and brush your teeth (the usual stuff)
• Pay attention to your body language
• Don’t give out everything about yourself on the very first date
• Remember to enjoy yourself
• Be adaptable
• Treat everyone around you, and especially anyone serving you (such as waiters if you’re at a restaurant) with respect
• Never be too pressured to be in a relationship, and be your own person
• Similarly, be true to yourself and listen to your gut
• Without being stalkerish, Google the person before the first date and have a quick look at their social media
• Behave confidently and relaxed, which is made easier if you treat the date like a normal casual outing with an old friend
• Know what you’re looking for (such as a committed relationship or something casual), and make sure as soon as possible that your date is on the same page
• Have a personal anecdote to share

Having participated in a lot of dates, before I found my only one beloved, I can confidently say that a girl needs to wash her hair (the same is fair for a boy), do light make-up and put on the most convenient shoes she has. It's ridiculous to watch girls suffer in high heels. I've even seen a girl clinging to a fence so she won't fall off her high heels. The situation got worse because of the very short dress. Don't do that.
One more tip: Listen to the person you're talking to, don't talk about yourself too much. If your partner's interested in you and trying to get to know you, that's a good sign.
--Tatiana Gavrilina, DDI Development
Rather of simply wondering what someone is doing for a living or what their favorite movie is, figuring out why they are doing what they are doing or why they like that movie is going to allow them to share something about their personalities and build a deeper connection.
Go to your date armed with some fun ice-breaker conversation, and share stories about yourself. Ideally fascinating or amusing ones! And remember listening to what your date tells you about yourself, really. The conversation will flow more easily and naturally if you really listen, instead of thinking for the next thing to say ahead of yourself.
--Lesley Reynolds, Harley Street Skin Clinic

1. Bond over a board game

It may sound old-fashioned, but board games are actually fun to bond over and to see how well you work together or against each other. They are intellectually stimulating and a good way to see a person in a competitive environment, with low stakes. Board games also make for good double dates. And they may be played online too.

1. Sip coffee together, by books

It would be just a coffee, but the greater stimulant would be the surroundings (offline, at a bookstore, or virtual) and the conversations that books enable. Walk through sections that interest either or both of you, talk about books – or their movie adaptations – that have influenced you, and read select passages of favorite or random books to each other. You’ll discover quickly whether there can be a true meeting of the minds.

1. Attend a cooking demo

The way to the heart may be through the stomach. Even otherwise, cooking is an intimate exercise and it allows you to see how comfortable you are in each other's space and also how well you might work together. So, sign up for a cooking class, whether offline or online, and cook a meal together.

1. Do good (volunteer) together

Volunteering together is a great experience and a sure way to have a meaningful first date. If there's already a cause or do-good project that's dear to you, your date will get to see you for who you are and you'd also get to gauge how that important part of you would sit with them.
Alternatively, depending on your expertise and availability, look up local organizations and sign up to be a weekend volunteer for a cause of your choice. (And there's no shortage of ways to do good in these trying times.) Inviting a date to join you for such an activity would go a long way to build mutual respect, bond at an emotional level, and lay the foundation for a friendship and more.

1. A walk or ride in a park

Meet at a park or garden in your city. The quiet in the park can be a blissful escape from being cooped up indoors and would let you be fully immersed in getting to know your date. If you can rent bicycles in a large park, spend some time riding and exploring the park together for a memorable, off-beat date experience.
--Anil Kumar, Jodi365.com
Prepare for engaging conversation.
Yes, you read that right. Stop working yourself up into a ball of anxiety over what you’re going to say. Do your research. Find out what your date’s food preferences or hobbies are beforehand and frame questions around those interests.
If you’d rather not spend a good hour or so scrolling through his/her Instagram photos, lead with a topic that you know a lot about.
On my very first date with my now wife, I started with a joke about coffee beans, which she (fortunately) thought was hilarious. It certainly broke the ice and that memorable time lasted until the next day.
--James Kilpatrick, Beanie Coffee
The biggest turnoff for me when going on a first date would be bad breath! Therefore, my number #1 tip for people going on a first date is to visit a dentist or hygienist a week before the date and get a thorough round of scaling and polishing. Remove those stubborn coffee stains and the tartar that is causing all the funky smell. However, you would want to avoid doing right before your date because you might end up with bleeding gums and that can be pretty frightful. Do it about a week beforehand so the gums have time to heal and keep it clean within that week. By the time the time comes, you will have fresh, great-smelling breath. With that comes confidence and the conversation will naturally flow!
--Albert Lee, Home Living Lab
Take An Interest And Ask Questions That Elicit A Positive Emotional Response
We have all heard this a million times that being interested in your date makes you interesting but for some it's easier said than done. How do you ask questions that are going to guarantee an interesting conversation? Asking mundane questions like What do you do? Where you are from can lead to mundane answers so look at asking questions like your favorite meal in the world, music, movie and perhaps even find things you mutually hate like a destination you both find overrated. This way you will have a lot to talk about and you won't have to worry about orchestrating the conversation as it will be a lot more seamless.
--Greg Flemming, MintDate.com
Pay Attention to Your Body Language
Nonverbals (body language and facial expressions) are perhaps the loudest thing you communicate. So while on a first date, it’s good to be mindful of how you act and present yourself.
Now, you might ask — how can I be aware of your body language and still act natural? All it takes is catching known negative body language and tweaking it a little.
I used to have this habit of folding my arms and leaning back on my seat while listening to a date talk. I would then get a disapproving look from the person across the table. Those first dates never turned into something more serious until I met my girlfriend. When I did this to her, she actually stopped talking and asked if I was bored. I quickly explained that I wasn’t and she replied by saying that my body language showed otherwise. Fortunately, she let that one slide, and things took a better turn from there on.
If you’re interested in what your date has to say, don’t fold your arms. Tilt your head toward them. Lean in. These are nonverbal indicators showing your date that you like what they have to say and want to hear more.
--James Bullard, Sound Fro
Sometimes you feel really comfortable on a first date. I don't mean to be pessimistic but don't get too comfortable- ie give out your last name or business name for example.
I did this and found myself being followed on instagram which wasn't so bad but then comments were sent on pretty much everything I appeared on on social media and I realized he had gone through and read/watched anything with my name on it. While I know I should keep these things private I think that I felt a level of comfort on the first date that was false based on the texting and phone call prior and in reality it takes a long time to get to know someone.
--Margo, KuraDesign
Get out of your head and enjoy yourself. Many people get so caught up in over thinking and over analyzing the date, they forget to have fun! If your date doesn't think you're a fun person to spend time with, they won't want to continue to date you. Stop treating first dates like someone is interviewing for the position of being your boyfriend or girlfriend. Start treating your dates like opportunities to laugh, have great conversation, and enjoy yourself!
--Amber Artis, Select Date Society
Tip #1: Forget about meeting up for coffee, lunch, dinner, or drinks.
Those aren't dates, they are job interviews. Instead, do something where you can stay on your feet. Meet up for a walk at a park, or an area with some shops. Go to the farmer's market on a weekend morning. Go bowling or meet up to shoot pool. Meet at a gallery or museum. Anything where the two of you are moving around and experiencing something together will give you a much better sense of the other person than you'd get from sitting across a table, asking the same 20 questions you've asked on your last 10 first dates.
Tip #2: Be adaptable.
When my wife and I had our first date, we were going to meet up for a traveling Smithsonian exhibit that had come to town. Unfortunately, the website was wrong and the exhibit had left for Malaysia the day before our date. We arrived to an empty warehouse where crime scene tape and body outlines were being set up for their next event - The CSI Experience. Thankfully, there was a mini golf place a few doors down. She kicked my butt, but we had a great time. That was 8-years ago.
--Eric Resnick, ProfileHelper
Give your date an early compliment if you like him/her so you don’t get moved to the friend zone. "That shirt looks great on you. You have such great taste." By complimenting your date right away, it shows you’re interested in him/her.
Believe it or not, you are being judged on your first date with him/her so make sure you treat the servers or anyone not on the date with you with respect. The way you kid around with the server is going to score you points.
It shows your playfulness if you’re a woman and you are kidding with the female server. If you’re a woman and teasing the male server, that might be taken as you flirting with him, so don’t do that!
--May Hui Bugenhagen, Matchmaker May
As a single guy, I love and hate first dates equally. They are both exciting and super stressful!
My tip for anyone going on their first date is to listen. The first time you spend one on one with someone whether dinner, drinks, or in another date night setting you want to get to know that person. Try not to talk too much about yourself and remember to ask questions. It's not an interview but after each time you speak about yourself ask them a question.
--Ryan Raffel, PaleoPhysicality
I've been writing about love and relationships for quite a while now. Through my own personal experience as a 38-year old single man, there's one dating tip I absolutely swear by:
Stop pressuring yourself to be in a relationship.
I think there’s too much societal pressure on single people to change their relationship status. The result of this pressure is that many people end up entering relationships based on expectations that are difficult to live up to.
If you really want to create a genuine, enduring, and healthy relationship with someone, you need to let go of the notion that you need someone else to complete you.
Before you even go on a first date or entertain the notion of finding a life partner, you need to be your own person—someone completely happy and at home with who you are, with or without a partner.
--Justin Brown, Ideapod
I host a relationship podcast and we recently did an episode about how you should always pre-screen people before your first date. Google them, look them up on social media (make sure they're not married or have a criminal record - this happened to me and friends of mine!) and I also suggest talking to them on the phone before the first date - you can get a lot of insight into someone by a simple phone call.
By speaking to someone prior to the first date, you build up a foundation and a sense of familiarity so by the time the first date comes, you'll be more at ease and feel like you already know them.
--Rachel Burke, Relationships, Romance & Propaganda Podcast
There are many tips for first dates, but the most important one is to simply be true to yourself and to listen to your gut. We all have a subconscious that unfortunately, we ignore far too often. It's been said that within 9 seconds of meeting your date, you determine subconsciously if you are attracted to them, and within 30 seconds, you determine if you will see that person again. Think about it. I bet if you met online and meet for a first coffee date, if you are honest with yourself, you realize there is truth to that! However, when you sit across from your date, the most important thing is to be open to the possibility, yet be completely yourself. It's not fair to anyone to simply tell the person what you think they want to hear, as in the end it will just be a waste of everyone's time. The most important thing is to let them see the real you. Be yourself, in all your quirkiness, beauty and unique individuality. If your date doesn't see how special and unique you are, then they are not for you!
--Trish McDermott, Meetopolis.com
As quarantine is being lifted in most cities, other than the friendly reminder to wear a mask and carry hand sanitizer in your purse, here are some first date tips that every woman should consider.
1 - Own your confidence, not your desperation.
It’s been months since the last time you may have went out on a normal, in person date which is more than enough reason to feel a little desperate but do your best to not come across overly flirtatious, too willing to do anything to get his attention or have him notice you as someone who would be the perfect girlfriend.
Instead behave confidently. Yes, it’s okay to be happy and attentive however, make sure to treat the date as if it’s a normal casual outing with a friend. Relax, let the conversation just flow by itself. The more relaxed you are, you’ll come across as a woman who knows her worth and isn’t trying to get married after the first date.
2 - Don’t have sex, just yet.
No matter what you’ve been told, having sex too early can have an adverse effect on your dating relationship with this person. I don’t like to admit it but reality is, if you sleep with them too soon they will assume that’s what you do every time. This can be a huge turn off. So, when your date makes any kind of sexual advances, respectfully decline letting them know what your expectations are.
3 - Keep certain life events to yourself. They don’t need to know your entire life story.
It may be hard to not be extremely talkative but do your best to keep the conversation light-hearted. No need in spilling all the tea in regards to everything that you’ve ever experienced before meeting them. Remember: the point of the first date is to meet and get to know them over time, not in one night.
--Ro Sanchez
So many people go out on dates not knowing entirely what they want and just hoping that the person on the other side of the table will lead them to it. This never works. To have a great first date you have to know exactly what you think makes a great time and a great date.
How do you make this happen? Take charge of your feelings and the situation. If you're honest with yourself and admit that you want a committed relationship, then only go out with people who demonstrate that they want this to. Direct the conversations to topics that cut to the point and ask that person what they want, too. This will help you quickly find out if you're on the same page and compatible with this person.
If you're someone who is just looking for a good time and short term fling by all means go for it. One night stands are fun and carefree, just don't expect a call the next day and don't be disappointed when you don't hear from them.
You're the CEO of your own dating life, so you should call the shots and go after exactly what you want. You also shouldn't tolerate any sloppy interns - even on day one.
--Molly DeMellier, LaunchSquad
On a first date I tell my clients to have a personal anecdote to share. This story should be something that gives your date insight to who you are beneath the surface. I recommend a slightly embarrassing story to help your date put their guard down. Of course it should be a story you are comfortable sharing and that no longer actively causes embarrassment, something that you are now able to look back on and laugh about.
Another tip is to have a first date uniform prepared. This takes all the guesswork and anxiety out of preparing for a first date. Thinking about what to where should be the least of your worries.
--Alexis Germany, AlexisGermany.com
First dates are really all about getting to know a person you are romantically interested in. If you have been chatting with someone you met on an online dating site or someone your friend introduced you to for some time, the first date will be the stepping stone that will determine whether or not there is actual chemistry and connection- which will then determine what step will be taken next.
For this reason, it is important to ask questions that will help you get to know your date better. Having questions in mind before meeting the actual date in person will not only help you get to know your date better but it will also help the conversations flow. If you are not sure what to ask, it can help to think of what your deal breakers are and take it from there. For example, if religion is important to you, you can ask, how they feel about religion; If education or having a stable career is important to you, then, you can ask about their occupation or if they have any personal development goals; If you simply wish to get to know who they are as a person, then you can ask what their interests are, what hobbies are they into, what kind of music do they like, etc. The point is to have questions in mind that you can ask to get to know your date better.
Being an active listener is also very important on a first date. If you are asking all the right questions but are not giving them your attention, then there is really no point in asking the questions. Being distracted by looking at your phone or at the people that surround you, not only looks bad and rude, but it sends the message that you don't care what they have to say. This is not a good way to start the first date and you can also expect not to have a second date as a result of not giving your full attention.
--Stephania Cruz, Datingpilot
First dates can be nerve-racking. First dates are where the impressions, pressure, and everything in between is. There’s too much that you think you need to think and plan about. It’s even harder when you’ve prepared so much and found yourself at a loss when you get there. Don’t be like that.. There’s a good way to prepare for a first date to make sure that it doesn’t get as awkward as most dates go.
The #1 tip I always say is to always choose the right date place. This is so important because the location that you choose sets the tone of the date. It would be an easier task if you already know what your date enjoys, so you can bring them to that kind of place. If you don’t know much about them yet, make sure to choose a neutral date place. One that won’t pressure either of you.
It's very important to choose the right place that won’t pressure both of you because first dates are supposed to be fun. The time together should be spent getting to know if the two of you “click”. When you choose a place that can pressure the two of you, it will be hard to withdraw once either of you doesn’t feel comfortable anymore. Instead, opt for a light and casual place like maybe a coffee shop or a local bar. There won’t be too much pressure and the two of you will be more able to talk about anything.
First dates don’t need to have too much pressure and awkwardness in one day. You can turn it around by making wise choices early on. What’s important is you enjoy yourself, and if you’re not enjoying it, don’t be afraid to admit it and leave.
--Sam Whittaker, Boureston Media
Keep it casual.
Inner Circle did a survey recently that revealed it takes the average dater 42 minutes and 29 seconds to decide if they want to see someone again. So a casual, “low-investment” activity like a cup of coffee and a stroll around the neighborhood, or a cocktail at a venue with outdoor seating is perfect.
It’s long enough to make a great first impression, but without the anxiety that often comes with committing to an hours-long dinner+show experience.
The other advantage to a short first date is that you can always extend it if things are going great. Do a little recon first so you’ll have a few ideas in your back pocket. That way, if sparks are flying over cocktails, you’ve already got the perfect spot for tapas in mind.
--Scott Valdez, VIDA